Good-bye 2013

Overall 2013 has been a good year.  Yes, there has been disappointments, but no major personal crisis.  Some happenings have been my heel surgery, Becky getting disability, and the house being stuccoed and painted.  The surgery has taken a long time to heal and has slowed me down, but hopefully it has fixed the problem.  Becky seems to be on the road to recovery to an independent lifestyle.  The house still has a few things that need to be done, trim around the front windows and new gutters, but for the most part looks good.

A few of the largest and most exciting events were Austin graduating from high school and then went off to UCLA.  The whole process was long and challenging.  Even though Austin made some major mistakes when applying to colleges, everything turned out for the best.  He seems happy and I get to see him every few weeks.  Definitely a win-win situation.

Personally, I've gotten back to a hobby I love...quilting. I plan on taking a very challenging class on it in the new year and feel very insecure about it.  There are a few quilting projects I still have to finish, but any good quilter usually has a few UFO's hanging around...LOL!  Another activity that I've gotten back to is gardening and enjoy getting outside and communing with nature.

On the downside of 2013.  Two friends have had strokes, but luckily the results have been minor.  I also lost a friend to stupidity (not mine).  I look at it as some things aren't meant to be, but life goes on, but it doesn't hurt any less.  Also a big loss was  Penny, my precious dog, died in April.  She was so special in so many ways.  At least she's no longer in pain.

When I contemplate 2013 there has been some loss, but the gains outweigh the losses.  Good-bye 2013!

Awesome Day!

Austin and I started our day by going to Walmart on the " Great PS4 Hunt".   They had them in stock...YAHOO!!!  Austin carried it out of the store with a huge grin on his face with a grip that no one would have been able to break.  So good to see him happy!

Our next adventure was picking Liz up and driving to Jamal.  It was a beautiful ride into the back country to a small restaurant to have a late breakfast.  As a family we were able to share memories and antidotes.  Then we headed back to civilization to but Christmas trees.  Liz got her first tree since living independently.  so happy I had gotten to share this milestone with her.

Austin drove Liz home and helped decorate her tree and then came here to decorate our tree.  What a great kid...oops man!  Then it was time to relax and end our day!

Our usual tradition has changed, but we still enjoyed ourselves.  We no longer travel to Potrero to have breakfast and then cut down our tree, since our little family is down by 2 members and Becky doesn't participate in many activities.  Another change, but it was awesome spending time with my grand kids!

Super Busy Day

Wow! What a day!  Started as usual with caring for Louie, checking his blood sugar level and emptying urinals.  Then it was off to home Depot to get items I needed to work on the house.  Then it was home to give Louie meds and then sweep the patio area and hook up the washer and dryer.  Also had to put air in the tires of my car and the truck.  When Louie's caretaker came I was off to recycle TVs and printers.  Arriving at home again it was time to give Louie a shot and more meds.  After the caretaker left I did 2 loads of laundry, put a new light fixture outside the kitchen door, and tried to put another light fixture on the front of the house, but couldn't.  Continued to sweep up more sand and cleaned out the front gardens.  Louie wanted candy so off I went to Walmart to get him a sweet treat. 

In the afternoon, I met with the stucco company and they inspected the house.  They found that the color isn't even, there are some spots that are darker than other areas.  So they're going to put another coating on it to even out the color.  After they left it was time to fold clothes and clean up inside.  Finally it was time to sit and relax for a while. 

The phone rang and Sharon called asking if I wanted to go for a walk.  Of course I did and we ran into Linda Sparks who lives down the street and we had to chat and catch up.  When I got home it was time to make supper for Louie and feed the dogs. 

At last, it was time to watch TV and relax.  After taking a shower it was time to get Louie ready for bed.  Now I'm sitting here writing and watching 'Bones'.  

What a day!  Not sure where my energy came from...perhaps I should have bottled some of it.

To Accept

Life has many twists and turns.  Just when you then things can't get worse, they do.  Then another day comes and wonderful things happen.  It's never stagnant, it's always changing.  I believe when you begin to accept events and know you have no power over them, that is when you become a happier person.  For example, you lose a friend or family member to death, yes you grieve, cry and curse the world. You can not change it, so eventually you have to accept it.  At times you go back to the grieving, crying and cursing the world, but once you have acceptance you become happier.

Many things in life you can change, such as a misunderstanding with a friend or family member.  At times you need to swallow your pride and fix the problem, but at other times you need to just accept the barrier and go on with life.  These decisions are difficult to decide and have to be carefully weighted.  In the end, hopefully you'll find happiness with your decision.

The older I get the less drama I want in my life.  Perhaps acceptance is my way of coping with events I can not change.  When the good events come along then I can enjoy them if I'm not cursing the world.  Am I always going to be happy? No, that is not possible, but I strive to be more happy then unhappy.  There are many joys in the world and sometimes it's the little joys that help a person get through the day.  Today I had one of the little joys as I looked out my kitchen window and saw the birds flitting around the backyard.

Just stop and smell the roses...

Ups and Downs

Today is an up day! Yahoo! It appears that Becky will be moving out in December.  Not only will I be getting my sewing/craft room back, but it's a giant step in Becky's recovery.  I've heard her say "I can't." so much that with this move I'm hearing, "I can".  Definite change in attitude and boost to her self-esteem.  So good to see her improving!

Now I can start planning how I want to arrange that room.  I've had to change rooms many times in the last few years.  First it was arranging the house to accommodate Louie's disability.  Then Austin moved in and I lost my sewing/craft room.  Finally, it was Becky moving in and thus moving things to storage and the shed.

I no longer have a storage unit, but I do have a shed at the side of the house.  So where to begin?  Clean out the room Becky was in and decide what to put in there.  Then rearrange all the stored things in both sheds and clean out the sheds.  Hope to complete this before I'm too old to do it.

The down is all the work that will have to be done and the up is the feeling of accomplishment!

Analyzing Your Past and Confronting Your Fears

Sometimes others see you much different than you see yourself and you wonder where that comes from.  As I was contemplating a comment that was made about me I came to realize the possible why of it.  It all comes from fear. 

About 18 years ago shortly before Christmas I was babysitting Austin who was 3 months old.  My family had gone to Potero to get our Christmas tree and I received a call from my mother saying she was feeling funny.  Two days before we had gone to her doctor for a check up after she had open heart surgery and she had a clean bill of health.  As we were talking I suggested perhaps she needed to go to ER and she refused.  Later that evening I called to check on her and there was no answer.  The next day I found her dead.

Another event was again I received a phone call from my daughter two years ago.  Sharon was crying because of her financial difficulties and we talked for over an hour.  This was strange because she wasn't a phone person.  I tried to reassure her everything would be ok.  The next day she committed suicide.

Each of these events make me fearful of not doing enough for the people I care about.  Perhaps I overreact  when I don't hear from a person when I expect to or I try to make contact a little strong than I would have before experiencing these events.  I try to say and do as much as I can because there is no guarantee of a tomorrow.  I'm not sure I want or can change my reactions to similar experiences.

My mother dying didn't effect me as deeply as Sharon's death.  I knew I wouldn't have Mom forever and her health was fragile.  I expected her to die eventually.  Sharon's death was the last thing I would have expected.  The suicide was the cruelest way to loss a person...there's no good-bye, there's no reasonable why, there's guilt and then there's the feeling that your soul is being ripped out of your body.  I know I will never be the same person that I was.  And do I fear failing people again?  HELL YES!!!

Changing to Positive

Yesterday was a blah day, not bad, not good, not sad, not happy.  You could say it lacked emotion.  So today I have made a decision to make it a happy day by choosing to do the things I enjoy that will bring me happiness.  Some of these things are visiting people that are positive, gardening, sewing, cooking, going for a ride and many other activities.  Now which do I choose? Decisions, decisions... Perhaps I should just let it happen.

Simple Things In Life

As I grow older I'm more aware that the simple things in life are so important.  Whether it's watching a sunset, going for a ride or spending time with the people you care about all are activities that can be enjoyable and warm one's heart.  For me getting away from my house and having freedom from my everyday life means so much.  At one time my home was a happy place and a place I could relax in, but not any longer.  I want to get back that feeling of a peaceful refuge.  Perhaps it's the people in this house, Louie with his disability and always having to have care and Becky with her unstable personality.

I love morning when no one else is awake and I am alone.  To sit, have a cup of coffee and  let my mind wander is pure heaven.  As I sit here writing I ponder where life has taken me and where I will  journey next.  Yesterday was a simple day of taking a ride, having lunch and talking to a friend, but it was totally enjoyable and very calming.  Today is just beginning and I'm hoping for another tranquil day...perhaps that's too much to wish for, but we'll see.

Last year around Christmas I decided to be happy and I've achieved more happiness than I had.  This year I plan on reaching for the stars for even more happiness, but doing so simply.  My plans are contacting friends more often and changing the mood in this house.  Today's plan is to add more music and think happy thoughts.  Simple but effective.  Time to go wish upon a star.

What if...

The "what if" question often comes to mind.  I could spend a lifetime wondering if I took another path what would have happened, where would I be today?  Would I be happier?  Would I be sadder?  What type of children would I have?  Where would I be living?

No one can predict where life will lead them.  I've come to the conclusion that I'm where I'm suppose to be and the experiences I have had make me who I am.  Not sure if I would change anything because then I wouldn't be me.  Most of the time I do like me. 

Just wondering...

Friendships

Friendships are as different as the people who are in them.  Some begin and continue with constant interaction, where as, others have a stop and go tendency.  The ones with the stop and go also vary.  They can stop because the parties involved are busy with their lives, but after a while they begin again where they left off. 

Another variation is when the parties involved just need a break for each other due to an argument of other disagreement.  The friendships in this category sometimes grow when the parties reestablish their relationship.  Even though, there is a connection of friendship, trust also needs to be rebuilt.  Definitely, this is a more difficult connection to make because their is a history connected with the relationship.

Friendships sometimes are temporary and other times are for what seems like a lifetime.  They evolve over time and occasionally fade with time and circumstances.  All in all, friendships are confusing and very hard to define, but definitely necessary to most humans.

Helter Skelter

Oh where! Oh where do we go from here?  A few days ago it appeared that Louie was taking a downward spiral.  Bowels weren't moving, urine output was low and his overall awareness was down.  As the caretaker was transferring Louie he fell and the fire department came to put him back in his wheelchair.  Yesterday he improved a little but was still not himself.  Today started off much better with his system working more regularly.  Then he started having localized seizures, 3 in all.  Last month he also had a few, but they disappeared as quickly as they came on.  Also today his blood sugar readings were all over the place from low to high.

Don't know where this is going to, but it doesn't look good.  I hate this roller coaster ride...

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

Today started as I lay in bed listening to the rain.  Rain in July is rare, but greatly wanted and needed.  Overall the day went well until early evening.  As I recover from surgery I am unable to do many things for Louie and it's becoming more frustrating as the days pass. This evening He crapped his pants and I had to call my son to help me clean Louie up and then it happened again.  Thank God for Brian.

I'm not sure I can continue to do this.  I'm tired both physically and mentally.  I have no more to give, my bucket is empty.  When this is over I'm thinking of taking Louie to VA and see about respite care to go on a vacation for a few days at least.

Ups and Downs

Once again things have fallen into the shitter,  Becky didn't get the job she was so counting on.  Because she went through a temp agency the company didn't want to pay the fee so they decided not to hire her.  Lousy company!  Of course that put Beck into a depression and her bad habits began again.

Now for an "up".  My surgery went well and I'm on the mend.  Frustrating not to be able to walk and do many things.  I have a pretty cast and am getting around on a knee scooter which is a lifesaver.  The caretakers I have for Louie are also lifesavers and that area is going very well, so far.   Everyone is pitching in except for Elizabeth.  Grr!  Even my friend, Sharon has come over and watered and weeded my front yard.

Next are both ups and downs because they involve friends and neighbors who are ill or have had surgeries.  Dan next door had to have a couple of vertebrates fused and is recovering.  Joan another neighbor is home from the hospital after suffering from multiple infections.  Blanca a friend and former teaching pal is recovering from a fall that broke her arm and knee cap. Lynne another teaching pal and friend was in a roll-over while on vacation and broke her hand and wrist that required surgery, also recovering. Is that not enough?  This morning I called an old friend in Florida to learn he had surgery when an implant became infected.  Almost afraid to call anyone else.  Wishing all my friends a speedy recovery.  At least so far all will be recovering.

When it rains it pours!  Well, I'm off to look for more "up"!

Dancing a Happy Dance

Before writing this I need to knock on wood, throw salt over my shoulder, rub a rabbit's foot, etc, etc. For the first time in a long while everything is going well.  Austin is going off to a college of his choice.  Liz has a full time teaching job and has moved into her first apartment.  Becky just was hired as a controller of a new company and seems positive about the job. Brian is also doing well and will be teaching second grade next school year.   Louie is doing ok considering his situation and also seems positive.  Friday I have my surgery and hopefully will have less pain in the near future.

Perhaps our family is on the road to recovery...hip! hip! hurray!  It's time to enjoy and celebrate our lives.

Just Wondering

Just wondering why? Why do I live in a cuckoo's nest?  Have I put myself in this position?  Perhaps.  When strange things happen I no longer think they're strange. I say to myself, "That's just my life!"  Of course it has a lot to do with the people around me.  Louie has dementia and not sure what's reality.  Very hard to live with the ups and downs of the disease.  Then Becky with her eating disorder and I can see why she has a diagnose of bipolar also...she's also up and down.  Just like a yoyo!  I could write a book about the last few years, where did my normal life go to?  I want normal back.  I want boring back.  I don't want to be a freak!

Then I look at my grandchildren and I'm so glad they're living a fairly normal life.  Liz having her apartment where she can escape with Austin.  Best thing for both of them.  Austin will be off to UCLA in the fall and that should be a normal living environment.

Hopefully, my life will be normal again, but when...soon I hope.  I have high hopes, just like that damn ram (like in the song).

Why?

Why am I the responsible one?  Why am I the one to have to make the hard decisions?  Why does it seem like I'm the one to do all the work? Hard answers to find...perhaps I need to delegate the responsibilities more.  Is it my fault by acting too much like a take charge person?  My day is coming.  Too tired to do all anymore.

Changes...

I've been through many changes in a little more than 2 years and again there are changes in the wind.  By the end of this year I can predict three possible changes with certainty.  First will be when I have surgery on my foot.  There will be a home health aid to help Louie for at least the first 2 weeks and the family will have to help with Louie's care and basic chores. Next will be Austin going off to college and changing his room into a partial craft/sewing room.  Of course, it will still have his bed and some of his things in there, but I want a place to put my sewing machine and other crafty items.  Finally, Becky moving out.  Either she'll get disability from Social Security or a job so she'll be able to get a place of her own.  Both her and I need for her to be living independently. 

Another possible change could be with Louie.  Today not only did he have a seizure, but his blood sugar readings were above 600.  Don't know if this is an isolated incident or if this is a warning that something new is developing.  If it's something new it doesn't seem good.  Time to get back to the doctor and check it out.

I've always said I hated change and lately have been truly plagued by it.  Please can be just get to a place where my life can again be stable and not changing so often.  Dull and boring sounds so good!  I'm tired!
 

Guilt

I wonder if everyone feels guilt as keenly as I do.  Surgery on my foot is something I can no longer put off.  The choices I have are to put Louie into a nursing home or hire a caretaker for him.  My understanding is I shouldn't walk on my foot for 3-4 weeks, I can only go to the restroom and get something to eat.  Louie is against both options and says he'll just stay in his bed during that time...yeah right!  Can hardly believe he'd say that but I guess his brain surgery took out his good sense.  I feel guilty having to find alternate care for him.  This time I have to put myself first and except for Brian the kids are being asses.  They think I should put Louie in a home...at times I think they're right and then there's more guilt.

I write this blog to get my thoughts out and try to sift through them to make a reasonable decision.  Why does life have to be so hard?  I'm not asking to go on vacation for a couple of weeks, I'm having surgery for Christ sake.  Just another huddle...maybe in my next life I'll come back as a horse then the huddles will be easier to get over (just a little humor).

Wondering

Never did I suspect that when I met my bud Sharon that our friendship would span over 30 years and how special it would be.  Not only does she know all my secrets, but also all my heartaches, just as I know hers.  Without her these past couple of years, my life would have been so much more difficult.  I know I can tell her anything and she may not approve and voices her opinions, I always know she makes them out of concern and true friendship.  I wonder if she was put in my life because of the twists and turns it has taken. 

Tonight I'm in a very dark place, I miss my daughter so much, my heart is heavy with grief.  I've gone a long time without feeling this way and wonder why today.  As I sat on the couch this evening, I smelled smoke and I've come to associate it with Sharon.  Perhaps, this feeling is because I have some tough decisions to make about Louie and depended on her good judgement to make such decisions.   Sometimes I feel so alone and adrift.  I just want to escape and go someplace happy.  But damn, where is that?  For a while I thought I was happy but that popped like a balloon with too much air in it.  Still don't have a clue what happened...just another heartache.  Lately everything seems to start out fine then the illusion disappears and it gets worse.  When is this going to end.  I can see two more events that are going to be struggles.  First is my surgery.  Louie is already trying to put a guilt trip on me and I already feel bad at asking my family for help.  Second will be when Austin goes off to college.  I'll miss him like crazy.  I sent Brian off to the Army after his graduation and I will do this but with a heavy heart.

Tonight I wallow in self pity.  Tomorrow I will put this behind me and start a new day.  Don't know what it will bring, can only hope for a brighter day!

Until tomorrow...

Reflections

As I look back on my life, there has been good and bad.  I refuse to look at the bad today, only the good.  Of course I have to put my kids and grand kids at the top of the list.  I was truly fortunate having children without any complications and short labors. The first time I held each of my babies I had the overwhelming feeling of love!  Then I was present when my grandchildren were born and got to hold them when they were only a few minutes old. Other good times were our vacations.  We traveled across country to Kansas a few times when the kids were young and camped often with a CB club and with friends and neighbors.  We took the kids to Disneyland, went whitewater rafting in Montana, went and camped at the Grand Canyon, visited friends in San Francisco and Los Angeles, and did a lot of fishing both locally in California and on the Colorado River in Yuma. As the kids left home sometimes we took them and at other times we went alone.  A trip just Louie and I went on was through Gold Country with lots of side trips.  Then we went on cruises.  When Elizabeth was 13 we took her with us to Alaska.  Not only did we do a lot of fun activities when we were in port, Elizabeth got to participate with a teen group while the ship was cruising. To this day she still talks about the fun she had on that trip.  We also took a cruise in Hawaii with Elizabeth and Becky.  Louie and I traveled to Texas to visit Sharon when she was living there. When Elizabeth graduated from college I took her to Disney world in Orlando, Florida.  We spent 5 days there then rented a car and drove to Key West and then to Miami.  So many good memories!

Not only did I enjoy vacations with my family, I also went on vacations by myself.  I was lucky to have a partner that trusted and encouraged me to be independent.  I went to the east coast to visit a girlfriend that lived in upstate New York and we toured Amish country, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Massachuetts, and New Hampshire.   Another time I traveled to visit my hometown to see my father's grave site and years previous I had traveled there when he was dying.  Yet, another trip to the east coast was when Becky ran in the Boston Marathon.  Becky, Liz and I stayed a couple of days in Boston exploring the city and the surrounding area then drove down through Connecticut to New York.  We stayed a few days in NYC playing tourist and then drove through my hometown in New Jersey on our way to Washington, DC.  A few years ago Becky and I spent a week in Los Cabos, Mexico. What happened in Cabos, stays in Cabos.  It was a good mother/ daughter trip with many highlights.

I'm sure there are fun times I left out...holidays, birthdays and many other occasions.  A lifetime of memories.  As I write this I can smile and say I've had a good life.

Another Weekend...

Just another weekend pissed away.  Didn't accomplish anything, just relaxed and read a book.  Louie's birthday was Saturday and he choose to stay in bed until late afternoon.  Liz and Aus went to the Padre's game.  Becky and I sang "Happy Birthday" to Louie and had cake.  Louie hates celebrating his birthday so I gave him his wish not to.  Don't ask for want you don't want.  Hopefully it was what he wanted.

Sharon V. and I walked both days.  So glad to have her in my life!  As we walk, we chat and solve the problems of the world.  So great to have a person you can tell everything to and she understands, not always agrees, but accepts our differences with an open heart.  I've been blessed with a few friends that will be in my life forever and I can be real with them.

Wonder what the next week will bring?

Oh where! Oh where!

Oh where will life take me.  In September, Austin will be off to college and perhaps Becky will find a job and get her own place.  With Louie the future is uncertain, he may live many years or die tomorrow.  I feel like i have many more years to live, but we never know.  I'd like to live alone for a while and only have to care for myself.  People say living alone isn't what it;s cracked up to be...I'd sure like to find out for myself.  I've traveled by myself and really enjoyed that.  Maybe I'll get my chance, who knows where life will take you.  I'm glad I don't have a crystal ball, I don't think I'd want to know...

Long day!

Did a lot of work today...edged, mowed, and cleaned up both the front and back yard. I love the way the yard looks after all is put in order.  Tomorrow will be a day of rest.  My ankle is black 'n' blue and needs the rest, hope I can walk in the morning.  The day was overcast, but it was another peaceful day.  Hopefully by the end of the month I'll be ready to be certified as a wildlife habitat.  Still have some bark that needs to be put in a bed and of course, the continuous job of weeding.  Now, to get busy inside, Spring cleaning!  Time to put away winter clothes and take out warm weather clothing.  Finally I'm ready to give up my storage unit and bring home my craft stuff.  Time for bed and perhaps some sweet dreams...big yawn!

At Peace with the World

Today has been peaceful.  Finished most of the the raised bed yesterday and today I amended the soil and planted veggies in it.  Also potted some plants and cleaned up.  Working in the sunshine without any interruptions made the day pass gently like a slow moving stream.  Even after being outside and enjoying nature, the day was calm.  I'd like to order a few more like today.  What a pleasant surprise!

Security

As I write this I'm thinking about my life...actually just part of it.  The last 40+ years I've always had the security of knowing Louie would keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, and we'd have the necessities.  Even though he is unable to do most things he's still providing because he planned it.  Our house is paid for and has been for quite some time and we have enough to live on with enough left over to ensure I'll be provided for after he passes.  He has been a difficult person to live with, but we've had our good times, too.

The last 2 years have been extremely difficult watching him slowly drift away.  Presently, he's at 50/50.  Fifty percent of the time he's lucid and 50% of the time he's confused.  I'm sure it's hard on him if he even realizes what is happening.  Most of the time I'm not sure whether he's being a pain in the ass (His old personality) or if the confusion is at work. One moment he can be independent and the next he's totally dependent, much like a young child.  The best way to describe how I feel is frustrated and angry.  Golden years? Bah humbug!

I handle everything from housework to yard work to finances to anything else that comes along.  I used to have a partner and now my partner is another chore.  I do still have some freedom but who knows how long that will last.   I don't want to put Louie into a nursing home for the rest of his life, but if he gets much worse I'm going to have to.  I guess I'm now his security...

Glad Today is Over

Last night was like having an infant, I was up every two hours.  Louie's blood sugar was over 600, that's as high as his machine will read.  I had to keep giving him insulin and monitor him, hence I was up often.  Finally by 6 AM it was within normal range, then he wanted to get up.  Not good!  Not enough sleep makes me very grumpy and all I wanted to do was sleep a few hour without having to worry about getting up.  Damn, that man can be annoying!  Then, the first thing he asked was if I would go to Costco and buy him candy.  GRRR!

Finally got the truck smogged and then went to a late lunch with Cristina from LV.  so good to have a chance to chat and relax.  Now it's time to go to bed and try to catch up on my sleep.  Please God no earthquakes or anything else that will wake me...amen!

The Wonderful Thing About Life

Life is never stagnant, it changes from week to week, day to day and even minute to minute.  One day can totally suck, but the next can be the most wonderful day of your life.  It often surprises me how a person can affect another person's life.  Attitude is everything.  If you think the day will go badly, you've already set the tone and most likely things will not go well.  On the other hand, if you begin your day thinking the day will go well then it probably will.

When I first heard the phrase, "Have a good day or not, the choice is yours", it held a profound meaning for me.   I've lost track of my positive nature and am willing it to come back.  Happiness is a state of mind.  At times it's hard to climb out of the muck that people try to keep you in, but with lots of hard work, it can be done.  I'm willing to work! 

Life Sucks

One of those days.  Nothing I do is right.  I can't 'fix' anything.  Everything around me is falling apart including me.  Louie's physical condition is deteriorating and his mental abilities are slipping fast.  More bad days than good.  Becky isn't even trying to get better, just wallowing in self pity.  I think she can do more than what she is doing, but perhaps I'm wrong.  Why is this family so-o fucked up?  Really bad day, hopefully I'll get up tomorrow and I'll be in a better place emotionally.

Still Counting

Enjoyed meeting with like minded women.  I LOVE QUILTING!!!  It stimulates my creative side.  Many quilts were shared along with a basketful of hints and ideas.  Can't wait until this house settles down and I can pull out my sewing machine and other quilting equipment.  Austin will be at UCLA this weekend and I plan on playing with quilting.

Of course, if I get bored with quilting I could always work in the garden.  There will always be work in the yard so I have no reason to be bored.  Yes! I'm still counting my blessing and seeking happiness!

Counting My Blessings...

For over two years life has been crappy, every time I think things will improve I'm zapped with another crappy event.  First it was Louie having a brain tumor, having surgery, and being left paralyzed on his right side.  After the surgery he had so many complications, so life was a roller coaster.  Finally he came home and the hard work began. The house had to be rearranged to handle a wheelchair and the other disabilities Louie came home with.  Sharon (daughter) cared for him and he improved.  Then it was evident that I had to retire and I wasn't ready for it. I loved teaching, but it was impossible to continue.  Staying home and caring for Louie was more work than 1 person could handle.  Thank God for Sharon's help!

While Louie was recovering in rehab, Sharon was charged with stealing drugs from the hospital where she worked.  There were hearings, meetings with lawyers, and court appearances.  one of the most difficult times was when she had to go to Las Colinas to be fingerprinted.  Imagining my daughter in prison was overwhelming because I'm not sure she would have survived.

Again, tragedy struck, Sharon committed suicide.  Austin and Liz couldn't live in the house where Sharon died.  Both were unable to walk into the house without their emotions getting the best of them.  They moved in with me and again our house had to be rearranged.  I lost my craft room and had to move furniture from Sharon's house to accommodate the kids.  Also I now inherited 2 more dogs, one that was extremely spoiled.  after a short period of time Liz decided it was too crowded and went to live with a friend.  Of course, there were Sharon's autopsy, cremation, and legal affairs to handle, which was a nightmare.  During this time I lost a little of myself each day.  On one hand I had to stay strong for the family that needed my support, but on the other hand, I wanted to curl into a ball and not communicate with others and just wallow in self pity.  I had no one I could do that with...my family was mourning, Louie who was my partner in life was so unavailable both physically and mentally.   Alone!

Then, Becky was going through rehab with her eating disorders and not doing well.  While she was in a program at Mesa Vista, she lost her job and her mortgage went into default.  From that point things went from bad to worse.  She lost her home, her dog had to be put down, and she moved in with us.  One part of me understands her difficulties and the why of it.  But another part, says she could be doing more.  She embraces her own out of control behavior and rejects getting better.  I can't save her if she doesn't want to be saved.  I can't let her drag me down with her.  Yes, she lost a home, a favorite pet, and a sister, but I also lost much of my life.  I want to shake her and scream, "Get over it! Shit happens."   Living with her bizarre behaviors is extremely stressful.

A recent blow came when I thought a special friend was a haven in all this drama, but it turned out not to be.  Again my dreams and desire were shattered.  Perhaps I put too much faith in another person without really knowing them.  But in all that has transpired in the last couple of years, it was a small incident, but hurtful.

NOW, to count my blessings!  I have two wonderful grandchildren, even though they are adults they'll always be called my children.  Liz is finally into her career full time and on the road to success and Austin starts college in the fall to fulfill his dreams.  I have a home that I'm comfortable with and am starting to enjoy again.  I love gardening and making it look inviting.  I do have plans to entertain this summer and get the enjoyment I've never quite had before.  More blessings are my friends.  They have supported me through this craziness and I know they are there for me.  Financially I'm doing ok, not rich, but I have what I need.  Most days I can at least list a few good things that have happened.

So, in all this drama, stress, life events or whatever you may call it, I can count my blessings.  Is there more stress/drama coming?  For sure I can say, "YES!" As I look into my crystal ball I know someday Louie will die and Becky will either get better & get on with her life or I will lose her, too.  In September Austin goes off to college and it'll be difficult not having him around everyday. An empty nest!  I know I have plenty to do so I won't be idle.  Just another adjustment!  Alone? Who knows, life just happens and you have to take the bitter with the better.  I'm looking forward to the better...damn it I want it!  I have to keep a positive attitude and it will happen...

Back to Reality

Had a good day gambling.  Enjoyed chatting with Sharon on our hour and a half ride into the north county to get to the casinos.  Then it was time to play the slots, they're much like a video game except there are more of them.  At Pauma we celebrated our birthdays with others who had April birthdays, hence the reason to go up there. Ate cake and sang "Happy Birthday" to everyone...just a little silliness.  Then it was time to come home and back to reality.  Reality hit me square between the eyes, had a large mess to clean up.  Grr!

Well, it was good while it lasted!

Still On My Quest For Happiness, But Getting Closer

As my age increased a year I think I'm closer to being content for the time being.  I've gotten back to 2 of the hobbies I've always enjoyed, quilting and gardening.  Quilting is a quiet activity with lots of creativity and gardening gives me a physical outlet. Gardening also leads to another activity I believe I need in my quest of happiness which is socialization.  Once the yards are in order then I can entertain more.  My house is too small to invite too many people over, even though, in the past I have had some get togethers.  Louie also has been a roadblock with his negative, anti-social personality.  That will no longer keep me from entertaining.  I need to have people around me, especially since I'm so isolated, taking care of Louie.  I'm rebuilding my life and trying to figure out how to do that adding as much joy as I can.  I refuse to spend the years I have left unhappy.  I've had a full life with quite a few bumps, but also many great memories.  The future is uncertain with more bumps, I'm sure, and many more happy memories to make.  So for now I drift along and enjoy what I do have that's positive.  When the bumps come I know I'm a survivor and I'll find a way to be happy...perhaps with another change in plans.  Gotta stay flexible!

Me, Myself, I

I think after close to 66 years, I know myself.  First I know I'm 'when life hands you lemons, then make lemonade' type person.  In most situations there are lessons to be learned.  Sometimes I have to think hard and dig deep to try to figure those lessons out and if not the lesson at least, the why which could lead to deeper understanding.  I'm still pondering with a couple, but eventually I will come to either the lesson or the why.  

The last few days have been difficult with missing Sharon and it's been her birthday week.  Last year the kids went to Disneyland and the day passed quietly for me.  This year was very solemn and tearful.  Most times when I'm in a stressful situation, I keep busy.  Oops! Forgot to this time. I wish I could curl up in someone's lap and just be a little girl again.  When my dad did that I felt loved and protected.  But he left, too.

Tomorrow I again go on my quest for happiness...

Pondering!

As I ponder over what will make me happy because happiness is my quest in life recently, I've discovered a few things.  First, I need to take inventory of things that really make me happy.  I know I enjoy making others feel good and I enjoy helping others.  Second, I have a large amount of friends and enjoy being around people. I've never been able to open up my home the way I would like to because of Louie.  When I entertained he'd go hide some place and be anti-social and I'd feel guilty.  Third, I really enjoy getting my home and yard into order both with cleaning and decorating.  These thoughts are perhaps my path back to happiness.  Of course I've already had some detours, but life is full of detours for me and I almost expect them to pop up.  At Christmas I made an attempt to be happy and for a while it was working then a detour.  So, now it's time to get over the detour and get back on the road.  Hopefully, I learned something from the detour.  I'm still looking for the why and that piece of the puzzle is missing.  Another thing to ponder over.

A Little freedom

Today was a day that allowed me a little freedom.  I spent part of the day with friends from work and it was very relaxing and I felt more like the normal me.  Sitting around in Heidi's living room chatting, doing paper crafts and laughing at the normal things in life was refreshing.  I needed a day with the girls away from the drama at home to laugh and be myself... carefree and happy!  What a delightful day!

Ghosts

Recently, I discovered I live with ghosts.  Not dead people, but live people that will not participate with the living.  First, there's Louie who is now sometimes sleeping between 18-20 hours a day.  I know he's depressed and he also has dementia.  It could be either condition that's causing the extensive sleep patterns.  When he is awake he rarely communicates.  He's always been a quiet person, but now it's even worse. Perhaps, it's his confusion that's keeping him from speaking.  He has difficulty putting thoughts together.  Some days he's really clear and I wonder if I didn't imagine the foggy days.  Lately the foggy days have overshadowed the clear days.

Then there's the other ghost, Miss Becky.  Rarely does she come out of her room for more than a few minutes at a time, she hides from people.  Lately, she's given me hope that she's on the road to recovery.  This week she revised her resume to use to job hunt and started to get her work clothes in order.  At last, she seems to be trying get a job and socialize again.  Hopefully, this isn't another false start and she'll become the daughter and best friend I used to have, but lost 4 years ago.

My next step has to be to make this house a happier place.  Next week is Spring Break and Austin will be home, it's time for change.  Everyone needs a happier home without so many ghosts!

Busy

Good day!  I find if I keep busy, I have less time to focus on the negative. All morning I was running from one store to another, came home took care of Louie then I was off again.  Thank God for Sharon!  A good friend who will drop everything to go shopping.  Being able to laugh at little things and not worrying that I'd offend her just feels wonderful.  Our friendship is over 30 years old and we have experienced both the best and worst of times.  I don't think a sister could be closer.Finally I had to return home to unpack the car and tend to Louie again. After dinner I needed my exercise, so Sharon and I hit the streets for a walk and talk.  Now the house is quiet with Louie in bed, Austin doing homework and Becky watching TV in her room.  Time to relax!

Tomorrow it's a day to stay at home.  At least I hope it is...

Seventeen months...

3/11/13, seventeen months from 10/11/11 and still Sharon's suicide haunts me.  Hardest of all is not saying good-bye and not knowing truly why.  A mother is suppose to fix wrongs and make her children strong.  Did I fail?  The day before her death she called crying, saying she was out of money and thought she'd lose the house.  We chatted for about an hour which was unusual because she wasn't a phone person.  When we ended the conversation she seemed in better spirits.  Little did I know that less than 24 hours later she would be dead.  I did tell her I loved her and if she lost the house she always had a home with me, but it wasn't enough.  Would anything have been enough to change the events of that fateful day?  Grief is strange because I can now go for long periods of time and be somewhat happy, but occasionally the dark clouds drift in.  Today a friend emailed me about a suicide in her family recently and all the horrific memories came rushing back.   Will I ever be truly happy ever again or am I always going to feel incomplete?  Of course Louie's illness doesn't help the situation, but I've had time to accept his death. When the day comes for him to leave this earth I know he'll be glad to finally be at peace.  No one's death has affected me as much as Sharon's.  I'm not sure if it is because she's my daughter, because it was suicide, or both.  I want to be happy, to be myself, and feel complete again.

Tomorrow I have to make an effort to be happy again!

Again Chaos Reigns!

Another fall!  Yesterday Louie fell again, he just went down with his right leg crumpling beneath him.  Tomorrow he says he wants to go to the hospital for an x-ray.  Where's the end of this drama?  I want to live peacefully, no drama just a dull day by day normal life.  I want to garden, quilt, do other crafts, and watch my garden grow!  And when people say, "Mary, Mary quite contrary, how does your garden grow?" I'll be able to tell them.

For years, I had a normal, happy life then all of a sudden everything started spinning out of control.  I enjoyed vacations and the freedom of not having small children.  Even work was enjoyable, I loved teaching.  Suddenly it all came to an end and the events have left me with scars.  As  look at recent events in my life, the chaos continues.

Austin will soon be off to college, hopefully Becky will find a job and move into her own apartment, and Louie is an unknown, whether he stays home or goes into a nursing home.  With these changes perhaps I can again live peacefully. 

All  want is happy!

Bull

When you first meet a person you begin to build a relationship, never knowing where that relationship is going.  Trust is the first element you begin to build.  You want to believe what they say is the truth which should be the first building block in any type of relationship that will be long lasting.  But as that relationship grows it also changes and sometimes what is said doesn't come to pass.  The trust begins to be questioned.  Is what is said in the beginning just a bunch of bull or is it because the relationship has changed.  Did that person say all the right things because they thought it was the truth at the time or was it just hot air to sound good.  After such an experience can others be trusted or will relationships be more carefully chosen.  If trust is violated can a relationship ever be patched...perhaps or perhaps not.  The reason for the violation would have to be explored.

Spinning out of Control

Again my life is spinning out of control.  Yesterday Louie woke up with a cold and was out of sorts.  as the day progressed he continued to feel sicker.  By the time he went to bed, which was very early, he was miserable.  After a few hours he awoke screaming my name. At this point I wasn't sure, but he either had a nightmare or hallucination.  He insisted he was awake.  Finally I got him settled down and convinced it wasn't real.  About 3 AM he awoke yelling my name again, insisting someone was looking in his window and there were 6 people in our backyard.  I took the dogs and went to inspect the yard to convince him again that it wasn't real.  By 6 AM he had another episode this time I was with him traveling to Las Vegas, San Francisco and China..  By the time he got up his speech was slurred and hard to understand.  He kept coming up with off the wall statements.

Tonight so far he's called me twice into his bedroom because he keeps knocking the bedside table over and he's throwing his covers off.  My heart aches to see him go through this.  And again I'm at a cross roads do I take him against his will to the hospital or do I wait until he gives his consent?  

Dear lord, please ease his suffering...It breaks my heart to see the strong man I've spent my life with slowly slip away and lose his dignity.  He's never been an easy person to love, but he's a good man with strong family values. Why does he have to be tortured so much?  Please bring him peace...

The Grand Plan

People speak often that there is a grand plan for each person.  If that is so then what is the purpose of my plan.  First, Louie is diagnosed with a brain tumor that leaves him with paralysis on his right side.  After many months of hospitalization he comes home to be taken care of by Sharon and myself.  Everyday he tells us that he wants to die because he doesn't want to live like this.  Next, Sharon commits suicide and the pain over her death is overwhelming.  Then Becky loses her home and most of her worldly possessions and moves in with us.  Not only is she grieving for her sister but also for the life she once has.  For years she has suffered with an eating disorder and it becomes acute.  It becomes a death watch and twice she's hospitalized.  Of course between these major events, there are the minor events, such as , the water heater flooding the house, the plumbing backing up or the fence falling down in a wind storm. Finally there is the loss of a friend, not by death but by choice and I'm not sure why.

If there is a grand plan then I ask why?  Is there a lesson to be learned?  Is it my hell on Earth?  What did I do to have to serve these consequences?  Am I just unlucky?  I don't understand!

Or is there no grand plan and life just happens.  Whatever it is I'm ready to be happy, but how?  I tried and that backfired on me and actually made me more miserable than before.

Life definitely isn't fair!

Bored but busy

Bored but busy sounds like opposites.  At times I feel like I'm caged without any freedom, hence the boredom, but at the same time I keep busy.  If I slowdown and begin to think too much then all types of emotions rush in and I begin the self doubts.  I'm amazed with the self doubts because a couple of years ago there were none, I was confident what I was doing was correct.  A lot has happened is the two years and intellectually I understand how it can happen, but I don't want to believe it of myself.  I'd love to be able to just drift and let life just happen.  In some ways I have. I guess I'm too responsible to or perhaps too much of a control freak to let go completely.  Someday I'd like to be able to take a car or motor home and bum around the country for a few months, stopping when I wanted or keep going until I wanted to stop. It sounds like total freedom...perhaps.

As I continue my journey called life I wonder what is coming next. I've experienced all types of emotions recently from sadness to happiness, from disappointment to hopefulness, from anger to acceptance.  Never a day passes that I'm not bombarded with many different emotions and doubts.  I'm still in the grieving process and I'd like to someday soon not be reminded of my loss so often.  It's like being stalked and never knowing when it's ugly head will appear.  A part of my heart will always be broken and as the days turn into weeks and months the sharpness of the pain grows less.  I have found happiness again for the most part.  Strange but I also have discovered that I have also found some of the insecurity I once had experienced.  My journey now is to heal myself and go on to experience happiness more.  I'm not sure how but perhaps the next chapter will be the best,  if not then I'll have to design another that'll be even better.

Plans

Plans are made, plans are changed.  There are many things I want to do and some of these things are still in the planning stage.  Now to implement some of them.  First plan was to change the backyard from a storage yard grass and some plants into a place to entertain.  Even though I have entertained out there I want to have a showier place.  So far, I have a small retaining wall built and the slope at the back of the yard has most of the landscaping in, which needs to be finished.  Further plans include a raised bed for veggies, pavers to extend the patio, set up the barrel fountain, and paint the bench.  Long term is put in more plants and level out the grass.

The front yard is in demo mode with pulling out of existing plants, replanting them in other areas.  Next will be enlarging the garden areas, replanting, and deciding the ground cover.  Perhaps I should put in a sprinkler system, but not sure I have the energy (another consideration). 

It'll probably be the end of summer before all the changes in the yards are completed.  Then there are plans that include hiring people to do.  Re stuccoing the house and having the trim painted. Inside the house walls should be repaired, all the knicks and bruises from wheelchair collisions, and then painted. And finally, new carpet!

Someday, I'd like to sit back and enjoy the completion of my plans!

Happiness Bubble

The future cannot be predicted, but if I could look into a crystal ball all I really would want to see is happiness.  A comfortable home, lots of laughter, someone to love and be loved by, some traveling, and a family that is content all would be in my happiness bubble.

To achieve these things there is a lot of work to be done especially in the area of comfortable home.  In the last two years my home has been rearranged so many times and never to my satisfaction.  The backyard needs to have gardens established that are beautiful and sweet smelling.  Paving blocks should be laid down to make a place to sit and relax with potted plants bordering it.  Inside walls need resurfacing and painting, new carpets, and general repairs.  Outside the house needs stuccoing and painting.  The front yard needs new landscaping.   Sounds like a lot of work.  Then, it's time to entertain and let the laughter begin!

Someone to love and be loved by, includes holding hands and growing old with. Not only having a lover, but also having a best friend. Being able to cuddle with someone and knowing that person always puts me first.  Long chats or total silence with neither being uncomfortable, but companionable.  Yes, I want a fairy tale!

I've always wanted to see all the states in the US and explore all that is unique about each one.  There are many ways to travel so it could be by car, motor home, airplane, or train.  To be able to take my time travel, now that I'm retired would be pleasant.

Finally to have a contented family.  Tall order in this family.  So many changes would have to be made in each person's life. I wonder if I'll see it in my lifetime.

My happiness bubble is already showing signs of being brighter.  Only hope the powers greater than myself will begin to help with my quest for happiness and start the changes that are necessary to achieve it.