Wondering

Never did I suspect that when I met my bud Sharon that our friendship would span over 30 years and how special it would be.  Not only does she know all my secrets, but also all my heartaches, just as I know hers.  Without her these past couple of years, my life would have been so much more difficult.  I know I can tell her anything and she may not approve and voices her opinions, I always know she makes them out of concern and true friendship.  I wonder if she was put in my life because of the twists and turns it has taken. 

Tonight I'm in a very dark place, I miss my daughter so much, my heart is heavy with grief.  I've gone a long time without feeling this way and wonder why today.  As I sat on the couch this evening, I smelled smoke and I've come to associate it with Sharon.  Perhaps, this feeling is because I have some tough decisions to make about Louie and depended on her good judgement to make such decisions.   Sometimes I feel so alone and adrift.  I just want to escape and go someplace happy.  But damn, where is that?  For a while I thought I was happy but that popped like a balloon with too much air in it.  Still don't have a clue what happened...just another heartache.  Lately everything seems to start out fine then the illusion disappears and it gets worse.  When is this going to end.  I can see two more events that are going to be struggles.  First is my surgery.  Louie is already trying to put a guilt trip on me and I already feel bad at asking my family for help.  Second will be when Austin goes off to college.  I'll miss him like crazy.  I sent Brian off to the Army after his graduation and I will do this but with a heavy heart.

Tonight I wallow in self pity.  Tomorrow I will put this behind me and start a new day.  Don't know what it will bring, can only hope for a brighter day!

Until tomorrow...