Sometimes others see you much different than you see yourself and you wonder where that comes from. As I was contemplating a comment that was made about me I came to realize the possible why of it. It all comes from fear.
About 18 years ago shortly before Christmas I was babysitting Austin who was 3 months old. My family had gone to Potero to get our Christmas tree and I received a call from my mother saying she was feeling funny. Two days before we had gone to her doctor for a check up after she had open heart surgery and she had a clean bill of health. As we were talking I suggested perhaps she needed to go to ER and she refused. Later that evening I called to check on her and there was no answer. The next day I found her dead.
Another event was again I received a phone call from my daughter two years ago. Sharon was crying because of her financial difficulties and we talked for over an hour. This was strange because she wasn't a phone person. I tried to reassure her everything would be ok. The next day she committed suicide.
Each of these events make me fearful of not doing enough for the people I care about. Perhaps I overreact when I don't hear from a person when I expect to or I try to make contact a little strong than I would have before experiencing these events. I try to say and do as much as I can because there is no guarantee of a tomorrow. I'm not sure I want or can change my reactions to similar experiences.
My mother dying didn't effect me as deeply as Sharon's death. I knew I wouldn't have Mom forever and her health was fragile. I expected her to die eventually. Sharon's death was the last thing I would have expected. The suicide was the cruelest way to loss a person...there's no good-bye, there's no reasonable why, there's guilt and then there's the feeling that your soul is being ripped out of your body. I know I will never be the same person that I was. And do I fear failing people again? HELL YES!!!
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