Security

As I write this I'm thinking about my life...actually just part of it.  The last 40+ years I've always had the security of knowing Louie would keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, and we'd have the necessities.  Even though he is unable to do most things he's still providing because he planned it.  Our house is paid for and has been for quite some time and we have enough to live on with enough left over to ensure I'll be provided for after he passes.  He has been a difficult person to live with, but we've had our good times, too.

The last 2 years have been extremely difficult watching him slowly drift away.  Presently, he's at 50/50.  Fifty percent of the time he's lucid and 50% of the time he's confused.  I'm sure it's hard on him if he even realizes what is happening.  Most of the time I'm not sure whether he's being a pain in the ass (His old personality) or if the confusion is at work. One moment he can be independent and the next he's totally dependent, much like a young child.  The best way to describe how I feel is frustrated and angry.  Golden years? Bah humbug!

I handle everything from housework to yard work to finances to anything else that comes along.  I used to have a partner and now my partner is another chore.  I do still have some freedom but who knows how long that will last.   I don't want to put Louie into a nursing home for the rest of his life, but if he gets much worse I'm going to have to.  I guess I'm now his security...