Counting My Blessings...

For over two years life has been crappy, every time I think things will improve I'm zapped with another crappy event.  First it was Louie having a brain tumor, having surgery, and being left paralyzed on his right side.  After the surgery he had so many complications, so life was a roller coaster.  Finally he came home and the hard work began. The house had to be rearranged to handle a wheelchair and the other disabilities Louie came home with.  Sharon (daughter) cared for him and he improved.  Then it was evident that I had to retire and I wasn't ready for it. I loved teaching, but it was impossible to continue.  Staying home and caring for Louie was more work than 1 person could handle.  Thank God for Sharon's help!

While Louie was recovering in rehab, Sharon was charged with stealing drugs from the hospital where she worked.  There were hearings, meetings with lawyers, and court appearances.  one of the most difficult times was when she had to go to Las Colinas to be fingerprinted.  Imagining my daughter in prison was overwhelming because I'm not sure she would have survived.

Again, tragedy struck, Sharon committed suicide.  Austin and Liz couldn't live in the house where Sharon died.  Both were unable to walk into the house without their emotions getting the best of them.  They moved in with me and again our house had to be rearranged.  I lost my craft room and had to move furniture from Sharon's house to accommodate the kids.  Also I now inherited 2 more dogs, one that was extremely spoiled.  after a short period of time Liz decided it was too crowded and went to live with a friend.  Of course, there were Sharon's autopsy, cremation, and legal affairs to handle, which was a nightmare.  During this time I lost a little of myself each day.  On one hand I had to stay strong for the family that needed my support, but on the other hand, I wanted to curl into a ball and not communicate with others and just wallow in self pity.  I had no one I could do that with...my family was mourning, Louie who was my partner in life was so unavailable both physically and mentally.   Alone!

Then, Becky was going through rehab with her eating disorders and not doing well.  While she was in a program at Mesa Vista, she lost her job and her mortgage went into default.  From that point things went from bad to worse.  She lost her home, her dog had to be put down, and she moved in with us.  One part of me understands her difficulties and the why of it.  But another part, says she could be doing more.  She embraces her own out of control behavior and rejects getting better.  I can't save her if she doesn't want to be saved.  I can't let her drag me down with her.  Yes, she lost a home, a favorite pet, and a sister, but I also lost much of my life.  I want to shake her and scream, "Get over it! Shit happens."   Living with her bizarre behaviors is extremely stressful.

A recent blow came when I thought a special friend was a haven in all this drama, but it turned out not to be.  Again my dreams and desire were shattered.  Perhaps I put too much faith in another person without really knowing them.  But in all that has transpired in the last couple of years, it was a small incident, but hurtful.

NOW, to count my blessings!  I have two wonderful grandchildren, even though they are adults they'll always be called my children.  Liz is finally into her career full time and on the road to success and Austin starts college in the fall to fulfill his dreams.  I have a home that I'm comfortable with and am starting to enjoy again.  I love gardening and making it look inviting.  I do have plans to entertain this summer and get the enjoyment I've never quite had before.  More blessings are my friends.  They have supported me through this craziness and I know they are there for me.  Financially I'm doing ok, not rich, but I have what I need.  Most days I can at least list a few good things that have happened.

So, in all this drama, stress, life events or whatever you may call it, I can count my blessings.  Is there more stress/drama coming?  For sure I can say, "YES!" As I look into my crystal ball I know someday Louie will die and Becky will either get better & get on with her life or I will lose her, too.  In September Austin goes off to college and it'll be difficult not having him around everyday. An empty nest!  I know I have plenty to do so I won't be idle.  Just another adjustment!  Alone? Who knows, life just happens and you have to take the bitter with the better.  I'm looking forward to the better...damn it I want it!  I have to keep a positive attitude and it will happen...