3/11/13, seventeen months from 10/11/11 and still Sharon's suicide haunts me. Hardest of all is not saying good-bye and not knowing truly why. A mother is suppose to fix wrongs and make her children strong. Did I fail? The day before her death she called crying, saying she was out of money and thought she'd lose the house. We chatted for about an hour which was unusual because she wasn't a phone person. When we ended the conversation she seemed in better spirits. Little did I know that less than 24 hours later she would be dead. I did tell her I loved her and if she lost the house she always had a home with me, but it wasn't enough. Would anything have been enough to change the events of that fateful day? Grief is strange because I can now go for long periods of time and be somewhat happy, but occasionally the dark clouds drift in. Today a friend emailed me about a suicide in her family recently and all the horrific memories came rushing back. Will I ever be truly happy ever again or am I always going to feel incomplete? Of course Louie's illness doesn't help the situation, but I've had time to accept his death. When the day comes for him to leave this earth I know he'll be glad to finally be at peace. No one's death has affected me as much as Sharon's. I'm not sure if it is because she's my daughter, because it was suicide, or both. I want to be happy, to be myself, and feel complete again.
Tomorrow I have to make an effort to be happy again!
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