Changes...

I've been through many changes in a little more than 2 years and again there are changes in the wind.  By the end of this year I can predict three possible changes with certainty.  First will be when I have surgery on my foot.  There will be a home health aid to help Louie for at least the first 2 weeks and the family will have to help with Louie's care and basic chores. Next will be Austin going off to college and changing his room into a partial craft/sewing room.  Of course, it will still have his bed and some of his things in there, but I want a place to put my sewing machine and other crafty items.  Finally, Becky moving out.  Either she'll get disability from Social Security or a job so she'll be able to get a place of her own.  Both her and I need for her to be living independently. 

Another possible change could be with Louie.  Today not only did he have a seizure, but his blood sugar readings were above 600.  Don't know if this is an isolated incident or if this is a warning that something new is developing.  If it's something new it doesn't seem good.  Time to get back to the doctor and check it out.

I've always said I hated change and lately have been truly plagued by it.  Please can be just get to a place where my life can again be stable and not changing so often.  Dull and boring sounds so good!  I'm tired!
 

Guilt

I wonder if everyone feels guilt as keenly as I do.  Surgery on my foot is something I can no longer put off.  The choices I have are to put Louie into a nursing home or hire a caretaker for him.  My understanding is I shouldn't walk on my foot for 3-4 weeks, I can only go to the restroom and get something to eat.  Louie is against both options and says he'll just stay in his bed during that time...yeah right!  Can hardly believe he'd say that but I guess his brain surgery took out his good sense.  I feel guilty having to find alternate care for him.  This time I have to put myself first and except for Brian the kids are being asses.  They think I should put Louie in a home...at times I think they're right and then there's more guilt.

I write this blog to get my thoughts out and try to sift through them to make a reasonable decision.  Why does life have to be so hard?  I'm not asking to go on vacation for a couple of weeks, I'm having surgery for Christ sake.  Just another huddle...maybe in my next life I'll come back as a horse then the huddles will be easier to get over (just a little humor).

Wondering

Never did I suspect that when I met my bud Sharon that our friendship would span over 30 years and how special it would be.  Not only does she know all my secrets, but also all my heartaches, just as I know hers.  Without her these past couple of years, my life would have been so much more difficult.  I know I can tell her anything and she may not approve and voices her opinions, I always know she makes them out of concern and true friendship.  I wonder if she was put in my life because of the twists and turns it has taken. 

Tonight I'm in a very dark place, I miss my daughter so much, my heart is heavy with grief.  I've gone a long time without feeling this way and wonder why today.  As I sat on the couch this evening, I smelled smoke and I've come to associate it with Sharon.  Perhaps, this feeling is because I have some tough decisions to make about Louie and depended on her good judgement to make such decisions.   Sometimes I feel so alone and adrift.  I just want to escape and go someplace happy.  But damn, where is that?  For a while I thought I was happy but that popped like a balloon with too much air in it.  Still don't have a clue what happened...just another heartache.  Lately everything seems to start out fine then the illusion disappears and it gets worse.  When is this going to end.  I can see two more events that are going to be struggles.  First is my surgery.  Louie is already trying to put a guilt trip on me and I already feel bad at asking my family for help.  Second will be when Austin goes off to college.  I'll miss him like crazy.  I sent Brian off to the Army after his graduation and I will do this but with a heavy heart.

Tonight I wallow in self pity.  Tomorrow I will put this behind me and start a new day.  Don't know what it will bring, can only hope for a brighter day!

Until tomorrow...

Reflections

As I look back on my life, there has been good and bad.  I refuse to look at the bad today, only the good.  Of course I have to put my kids and grand kids at the top of the list.  I was truly fortunate having children without any complications and short labors. The first time I held each of my babies I had the overwhelming feeling of love!  Then I was present when my grandchildren were born and got to hold them when they were only a few minutes old. Other good times were our vacations.  We traveled across country to Kansas a few times when the kids were young and camped often with a CB club and with friends and neighbors.  We took the kids to Disneyland, went whitewater rafting in Montana, went and camped at the Grand Canyon, visited friends in San Francisco and Los Angeles, and did a lot of fishing both locally in California and on the Colorado River in Yuma. As the kids left home sometimes we took them and at other times we went alone.  A trip just Louie and I went on was through Gold Country with lots of side trips.  Then we went on cruises.  When Elizabeth was 13 we took her with us to Alaska.  Not only did we do a lot of fun activities when we were in port, Elizabeth got to participate with a teen group while the ship was cruising. To this day she still talks about the fun she had on that trip.  We also took a cruise in Hawaii with Elizabeth and Becky.  Louie and I traveled to Texas to visit Sharon when she was living there. When Elizabeth graduated from college I took her to Disney world in Orlando, Florida.  We spent 5 days there then rented a car and drove to Key West and then to Miami.  So many good memories!

Not only did I enjoy vacations with my family, I also went on vacations by myself.  I was lucky to have a partner that trusted and encouraged me to be independent.  I went to the east coast to visit a girlfriend that lived in upstate New York and we toured Amish country, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Massachuetts, and New Hampshire.   Another time I traveled to visit my hometown to see my father's grave site and years previous I had traveled there when he was dying.  Yet, another trip to the east coast was when Becky ran in the Boston Marathon.  Becky, Liz and I stayed a couple of days in Boston exploring the city and the surrounding area then drove down through Connecticut to New York.  We stayed a few days in NYC playing tourist and then drove through my hometown in New Jersey on our way to Washington, DC.  A few years ago Becky and I spent a week in Los Cabos, Mexico. What happened in Cabos, stays in Cabos.  It was a good mother/ daughter trip with many highlights.

I'm sure there are fun times I left out...holidays, birthdays and many other occasions.  A lifetime of memories.  As I write this I can smile and say I've had a good life.

Another Weekend...

Just another weekend pissed away.  Didn't accomplish anything, just relaxed and read a book.  Louie's birthday was Saturday and he choose to stay in bed until late afternoon.  Liz and Aus went to the Padre's game.  Becky and I sang "Happy Birthday" to Louie and had cake.  Louie hates celebrating his birthday so I gave him his wish not to.  Don't ask for want you don't want.  Hopefully it was what he wanted.

Sharon V. and I walked both days.  So glad to have her in my life!  As we walk, we chat and solve the problems of the world.  So great to have a person you can tell everything to and she understands, not always agrees, but accepts our differences with an open heart.  I've been blessed with a few friends that will be in my life forever and I can be real with them.

Wonder what the next week will bring?