Oh where! Oh where!

Oh where will life take me.  In September, Austin will be off to college and perhaps Becky will find a job and get her own place.  With Louie the future is uncertain, he may live many years or die tomorrow.  I feel like i have many more years to live, but we never know.  I'd like to live alone for a while and only have to care for myself.  People say living alone isn't what it;s cracked up to be...I'd sure like to find out for myself.  I've traveled by myself and really enjoyed that.  Maybe I'll get my chance, who knows where life will take you.  I'm glad I don't have a crystal ball, I don't think I'd want to know...

Long day!

Did a lot of work today...edged, mowed, and cleaned up both the front and back yard. I love the way the yard looks after all is put in order.  Tomorrow will be a day of rest.  My ankle is black 'n' blue and needs the rest, hope I can walk in the morning.  The day was overcast, but it was another peaceful day.  Hopefully by the end of the month I'll be ready to be certified as a wildlife habitat.  Still have some bark that needs to be put in a bed and of course, the continuous job of weeding.  Now, to get busy inside, Spring cleaning!  Time to put away winter clothes and take out warm weather clothing.  Finally I'm ready to give up my storage unit and bring home my craft stuff.  Time for bed and perhaps some sweet dreams...big yawn!

At Peace with the World

Today has been peaceful.  Finished most of the the raised bed yesterday and today I amended the soil and planted veggies in it.  Also potted some plants and cleaned up.  Working in the sunshine without any interruptions made the day pass gently like a slow moving stream.  Even after being outside and enjoying nature, the day was calm.  I'd like to order a few more like today.  What a pleasant surprise!

Security

As I write this I'm thinking about my life...actually just part of it.  The last 40+ years I've always had the security of knowing Louie would keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, and we'd have the necessities.  Even though he is unable to do most things he's still providing because he planned it.  Our house is paid for and has been for quite some time and we have enough to live on with enough left over to ensure I'll be provided for after he passes.  He has been a difficult person to live with, but we've had our good times, too.

The last 2 years have been extremely difficult watching him slowly drift away.  Presently, he's at 50/50.  Fifty percent of the time he's lucid and 50% of the time he's confused.  I'm sure it's hard on him if he even realizes what is happening.  Most of the time I'm not sure whether he's being a pain in the ass (His old personality) or if the confusion is at work. One moment he can be independent and the next he's totally dependent, much like a young child.  The best way to describe how I feel is frustrated and angry.  Golden years? Bah humbug!

I handle everything from housework to yard work to finances to anything else that comes along.  I used to have a partner and now my partner is another chore.  I do still have some freedom but who knows how long that will last.   I don't want to put Louie into a nursing home for the rest of his life, but if he gets much worse I'm going to have to.  I guess I'm now his security...

Glad Today is Over

Last night was like having an infant, I was up every two hours.  Louie's blood sugar was over 600, that's as high as his machine will read.  I had to keep giving him insulin and monitor him, hence I was up often.  Finally by 6 AM it was within normal range, then he wanted to get up.  Not good!  Not enough sleep makes me very grumpy and all I wanted to do was sleep a few hour without having to worry about getting up.  Damn, that man can be annoying!  Then, the first thing he asked was if I would go to Costco and buy him candy.  GRRR!

Finally got the truck smogged and then went to a late lunch with Cristina from LV.  so good to have a chance to chat and relax.  Now it's time to go to bed and try to catch up on my sleep.  Please God no earthquakes or anything else that will wake me...amen!

The Wonderful Thing About Life

Life is never stagnant, it changes from week to week, day to day and even minute to minute.  One day can totally suck, but the next can be the most wonderful day of your life.  It often surprises me how a person can affect another person's life.  Attitude is everything.  If you think the day will go badly, you've already set the tone and most likely things will not go well.  On the other hand, if you begin your day thinking the day will go well then it probably will.

When I first heard the phrase, "Have a good day or not, the choice is yours", it held a profound meaning for me.   I've lost track of my positive nature and am willing it to come back.  Happiness is a state of mind.  At times it's hard to climb out of the muck that people try to keep you in, but with lots of hard work, it can be done.  I'm willing to work! 

Life Sucks

One of those days.  Nothing I do is right.  I can't 'fix' anything.  Everything around me is falling apart including me.  Louie's physical condition is deteriorating and his mental abilities are slipping fast.  More bad days than good.  Becky isn't even trying to get better, just wallowing in self pity.  I think she can do more than what she is doing, but perhaps I'm wrong.  Why is this family so-o fucked up?  Really bad day, hopefully I'll get up tomorrow and I'll be in a better place emotionally.

Still Counting

Enjoyed meeting with like minded women.  I LOVE QUILTING!!!  It stimulates my creative side.  Many quilts were shared along with a basketful of hints and ideas.  Can't wait until this house settles down and I can pull out my sewing machine and other quilting equipment.  Austin will be at UCLA this weekend and I plan on playing with quilting.

Of course, if I get bored with quilting I could always work in the garden.  There will always be work in the yard so I have no reason to be bored.  Yes! I'm still counting my blessing and seeking happiness!

Counting My Blessings...

For over two years life has been crappy, every time I think things will improve I'm zapped with another crappy event.  First it was Louie having a brain tumor, having surgery, and being left paralyzed on his right side.  After the surgery he had so many complications, so life was a roller coaster.  Finally he came home and the hard work began. The house had to be rearranged to handle a wheelchair and the other disabilities Louie came home with.  Sharon (daughter) cared for him and he improved.  Then it was evident that I had to retire and I wasn't ready for it. I loved teaching, but it was impossible to continue.  Staying home and caring for Louie was more work than 1 person could handle.  Thank God for Sharon's help!

While Louie was recovering in rehab, Sharon was charged with stealing drugs from the hospital where she worked.  There were hearings, meetings with lawyers, and court appearances.  one of the most difficult times was when she had to go to Las Colinas to be fingerprinted.  Imagining my daughter in prison was overwhelming because I'm not sure she would have survived.

Again, tragedy struck, Sharon committed suicide.  Austin and Liz couldn't live in the house where Sharon died.  Both were unable to walk into the house without their emotions getting the best of them.  They moved in with me and again our house had to be rearranged.  I lost my craft room and had to move furniture from Sharon's house to accommodate the kids.  Also I now inherited 2 more dogs, one that was extremely spoiled.  after a short period of time Liz decided it was too crowded and went to live with a friend.  Of course, there were Sharon's autopsy, cremation, and legal affairs to handle, which was a nightmare.  During this time I lost a little of myself each day.  On one hand I had to stay strong for the family that needed my support, but on the other hand, I wanted to curl into a ball and not communicate with others and just wallow in self pity.  I had no one I could do that with...my family was mourning, Louie who was my partner in life was so unavailable both physically and mentally.   Alone!

Then, Becky was going through rehab with her eating disorders and not doing well.  While she was in a program at Mesa Vista, she lost her job and her mortgage went into default.  From that point things went from bad to worse.  She lost her home, her dog had to be put down, and she moved in with us.  One part of me understands her difficulties and the why of it.  But another part, says she could be doing more.  She embraces her own out of control behavior and rejects getting better.  I can't save her if she doesn't want to be saved.  I can't let her drag me down with her.  Yes, she lost a home, a favorite pet, and a sister, but I also lost much of my life.  I want to shake her and scream, "Get over it! Shit happens."   Living with her bizarre behaviors is extremely stressful.

A recent blow came when I thought a special friend was a haven in all this drama, but it turned out not to be.  Again my dreams and desire were shattered.  Perhaps I put too much faith in another person without really knowing them.  But in all that has transpired in the last couple of years, it was a small incident, but hurtful.

NOW, to count my blessings!  I have two wonderful grandchildren, even though they are adults they'll always be called my children.  Liz is finally into her career full time and on the road to success and Austin starts college in the fall to fulfill his dreams.  I have a home that I'm comfortable with and am starting to enjoy again.  I love gardening and making it look inviting.  I do have plans to entertain this summer and get the enjoyment I've never quite had before.  More blessings are my friends.  They have supported me through this craziness and I know they are there for me.  Financially I'm doing ok, not rich, but I have what I need.  Most days I can at least list a few good things that have happened.

So, in all this drama, stress, life events or whatever you may call it, I can count my blessings.  Is there more stress/drama coming?  For sure I can say, "YES!" As I look into my crystal ball I know someday Louie will die and Becky will either get better & get on with her life or I will lose her, too.  In September Austin goes off to college and it'll be difficult not having him around everyday. An empty nest!  I know I have plenty to do so I won't be idle.  Just another adjustment!  Alone? Who knows, life just happens and you have to take the bitter with the better.  I'm looking forward to the better...damn it I want it!  I have to keep a positive attitude and it will happen...

Back to Reality

Had a good day gambling.  Enjoyed chatting with Sharon on our hour and a half ride into the north county to get to the casinos.  Then it was time to play the slots, they're much like a video game except there are more of them.  At Pauma we celebrated our birthdays with others who had April birthdays, hence the reason to go up there. Ate cake and sang "Happy Birthday" to everyone...just a little silliness.  Then it was time to come home and back to reality.  Reality hit me square between the eyes, had a large mess to clean up.  Grr!

Well, it was good while it lasted!

Still On My Quest For Happiness, But Getting Closer

As my age increased a year I think I'm closer to being content for the time being.  I've gotten back to 2 of the hobbies I've always enjoyed, quilting and gardening.  Quilting is a quiet activity with lots of creativity and gardening gives me a physical outlet. Gardening also leads to another activity I believe I need in my quest of happiness which is socialization.  Once the yards are in order then I can entertain more.  My house is too small to invite too many people over, even though, in the past I have had some get togethers.  Louie also has been a roadblock with his negative, anti-social personality.  That will no longer keep me from entertaining.  I need to have people around me, especially since I'm so isolated, taking care of Louie.  I'm rebuilding my life and trying to figure out how to do that adding as much joy as I can.  I refuse to spend the years I have left unhappy.  I've had a full life with quite a few bumps, but also many great memories.  The future is uncertain with more bumps, I'm sure, and many more happy memories to make.  So for now I drift along and enjoy what I do have that's positive.  When the bumps come I know I'm a survivor and I'll find a way to be happy...perhaps with another change in plans.  Gotta stay flexible!