Bull

When you first meet a person you begin to build a relationship, never knowing where that relationship is going.  Trust is the first element you begin to build.  You want to believe what they say is the truth which should be the first building block in any type of relationship that will be long lasting.  But as that relationship grows it also changes and sometimes what is said doesn't come to pass.  The trust begins to be questioned.  Is what is said in the beginning just a bunch of bull or is it because the relationship has changed.  Did that person say all the right things because they thought it was the truth at the time or was it just hot air to sound good.  After such an experience can others be trusted or will relationships be more carefully chosen.  If trust is violated can a relationship ever be patched...perhaps or perhaps not.  The reason for the violation would have to be explored.

Spinning out of Control

Again my life is spinning out of control.  Yesterday Louie woke up with a cold and was out of sorts.  as the day progressed he continued to feel sicker.  By the time he went to bed, which was very early, he was miserable.  After a few hours he awoke screaming my name. At this point I wasn't sure, but he either had a nightmare or hallucination.  He insisted he was awake.  Finally I got him settled down and convinced it wasn't real.  About 3 AM he awoke yelling my name again, insisting someone was looking in his window and there were 6 people in our backyard.  I took the dogs and went to inspect the yard to convince him again that it wasn't real.  By 6 AM he had another episode this time I was with him traveling to Las Vegas, San Francisco and China..  By the time he got up his speech was slurred and hard to understand.  He kept coming up with off the wall statements.

Tonight so far he's called me twice into his bedroom because he keeps knocking the bedside table over and he's throwing his covers off.  My heart aches to see him go through this.  And again I'm at a cross roads do I take him against his will to the hospital or do I wait until he gives his consent?  

Dear lord, please ease his suffering...It breaks my heart to see the strong man I've spent my life with slowly slip away and lose his dignity.  He's never been an easy person to love, but he's a good man with strong family values. Why does he have to be tortured so much?  Please bring him peace...

The Grand Plan

People speak often that there is a grand plan for each person.  If that is so then what is the purpose of my plan.  First, Louie is diagnosed with a brain tumor that leaves him with paralysis on his right side.  After many months of hospitalization he comes home to be taken care of by Sharon and myself.  Everyday he tells us that he wants to die because he doesn't want to live like this.  Next, Sharon commits suicide and the pain over her death is overwhelming.  Then Becky loses her home and most of her worldly possessions and moves in with us.  Not only is she grieving for her sister but also for the life she once has.  For years she has suffered with an eating disorder and it becomes acute.  It becomes a death watch and twice she's hospitalized.  Of course between these major events, there are the minor events, such as , the water heater flooding the house, the plumbing backing up or the fence falling down in a wind storm. Finally there is the loss of a friend, not by death but by choice and I'm not sure why.

If there is a grand plan then I ask why?  Is there a lesson to be learned?  Is it my hell on Earth?  What did I do to have to serve these consequences?  Am I just unlucky?  I don't understand!

Or is there no grand plan and life just happens.  Whatever it is I'm ready to be happy, but how?  I tried and that backfired on me and actually made me more miserable than before.

Life definitely isn't fair!

Bored but busy

Bored but busy sounds like opposites.  At times I feel like I'm caged without any freedom, hence the boredom, but at the same time I keep busy.  If I slowdown and begin to think too much then all types of emotions rush in and I begin the self doubts.  I'm amazed with the self doubts because a couple of years ago there were none, I was confident what I was doing was correct.  A lot has happened is the two years and intellectually I understand how it can happen, but I don't want to believe it of myself.  I'd love to be able to just drift and let life just happen.  In some ways I have. I guess I'm too responsible to or perhaps too much of a control freak to let go completely.  Someday I'd like to be able to take a car or motor home and bum around the country for a few months, stopping when I wanted or keep going until I wanted to stop. It sounds like total freedom...perhaps.