Reflections

With the new year just around the corner, it brings thought of the future. Where will this year lead me.  Two years ago my world fell apart as I knew it.  All I thought that was true I had to question. All that I thought about myself changed and my self confidence took a big hit.  So many years I spent trying to emerge into a person I wanted to be and finally thought I had arrived.  Then in a few short months it was blown to pieces and I started to self-examine who I was.  Looking back at the events leading to this I wonder if I could have changed anything. My heart says no and I still believe I did the best I could.  I'm forever changed.  Some good changes and some bad.

As I reflect on the future, all I want to be is happy.  Sounds simple but it's not.  Every action has a reaction. Where do I turn, what do I do?  The best I can do is take baby steps and try to make good choices.  The new year will bring changes, new challenges, and new adventures. Perhaps, I've lived through what I have to show me the endurance I'm capable of during difficult times.  Now I have to find acceptance of those events.

Hope at last!

What difference a day makes!  I feel like a load of bricks have been taken off me.  I almost feel like myself. Joy has returned.  I knew I was on the road back when I listened to a voice mail and was able to laugh out loud and smile until my cheeks hurt.  Friends make all the difference in the world and there's always that one special person that can massage your soul and make all right with the world.

It hit me hard that I was totally unhappy, but wasn't sure how to change it or perhaps not ready to change it.  With the holidays and a new year, it's time to change.  I can't change some situations, but I can change how I react to them.

 I hate that I'm living single without the benefits of being single and living married without the benefits of being married.  Living single means I'm responsible for everything, lawns, house repairs, etc,  If I was single then I could go out with friends when I wanted to and not feel guilty.  Living as a married person you should have a partner to share responsibilities with...Louie can not do anything that I need help with and he wants accounting of all I do and he needs care 24/7.  It's a strange place to be caught in.  Limbo!  Caught between two world...This I cannot change.

What I can change is how I feel about myself.  I no longer take care of myself the way I once did.  Haven't had a manicure in over a year and I no longer take care of my skin as I once did. And then there's my weight...UGH!  I rarely get out because I'm caring for Louie, morning to night.  My outward self can be changed by going back to past practices, hence, that should help my self image and make me happier.  a win-win situation.

OK world here I come!

Christmas 2012 and the coming year...

Another year has passed!  Last Christmas was a challenge being just a couple of months after Sharon's  death, I think the best way to describe how I felt was numb and in shock.  Looking back I remember one incident when I was in Walmart and heard the song "Blue Christmas" and ended up sobbing.  Just a few days again I again heard that song and was able to at least not embarrass myself.  Is this evidence of acceptance?  Perhaps!  So far, this holiday season is progressing better and I'm not as numb. 

For the coming year I'm in search of happiness.  I've lost the sparkle I've had for life, which is hard to explain. Everything has a small shadow cast over it and the joy of life isn't as joyful as it once was.  I want that back! I'm different and I'm not sure I like that me.  I'm quicker to get angry and I'm more critical.  It's harder to find the humor in events.

Plans for the coming year include more "ME" time.  Whatever needs to be done will be there waiting for me.  I'm isolated and I need people and time out among people.  Crafts have always been relaxing and because of space and time are now nonexistent.

So I now have challenges for the new year and a plan of action...Up and onward...LOL!