Reflections

With the new year just around the corner, it brings thought of the future. Where will this year lead me.  Two years ago my world fell apart as I knew it.  All I thought that was true I had to question. All that I thought about myself changed and my self confidence took a big hit.  So many years I spent trying to emerge into a person I wanted to be and finally thought I had arrived.  Then in a few short months it was blown to pieces and I started to self-examine who I was.  Looking back at the events leading to this I wonder if I could have changed anything. My heart says no and I still believe I did the best I could.  I'm forever changed.  Some good changes and some bad.

As I reflect on the future, all I want to be is happy.  Sounds simple but it's not.  Every action has a reaction. Where do I turn, what do I do?  The best I can do is take baby steps and try to make good choices.  The new year will bring changes, new challenges, and new adventures. Perhaps, I've lived through what I have to show me the endurance I'm capable of during difficult times.  Now I have to find acceptance of those events.

Hope at last!

What difference a day makes!  I feel like a load of bricks have been taken off me.  I almost feel like myself. Joy has returned.  I knew I was on the road back when I listened to a voice mail and was able to laugh out loud and smile until my cheeks hurt.  Friends make all the difference in the world and there's always that one special person that can massage your soul and make all right with the world.

It hit me hard that I was totally unhappy, but wasn't sure how to change it or perhaps not ready to change it.  With the holidays and a new year, it's time to change.  I can't change some situations, but I can change how I react to them.

 I hate that I'm living single without the benefits of being single and living married without the benefits of being married.  Living single means I'm responsible for everything, lawns, house repairs, etc,  If I was single then I could go out with friends when I wanted to and not feel guilty.  Living as a married person you should have a partner to share responsibilities with...Louie can not do anything that I need help with and he wants accounting of all I do and he needs care 24/7.  It's a strange place to be caught in.  Limbo!  Caught between two world...This I cannot change.

What I can change is how I feel about myself.  I no longer take care of myself the way I once did.  Haven't had a manicure in over a year and I no longer take care of my skin as I once did. And then there's my weight...UGH!  I rarely get out because I'm caring for Louie, morning to night.  My outward self can be changed by going back to past practices, hence, that should help my self image and make me happier.  a win-win situation.

OK world here I come!

Christmas 2012 and the coming year...

Another year has passed!  Last Christmas was a challenge being just a couple of months after Sharon's  death, I think the best way to describe how I felt was numb and in shock.  Looking back I remember one incident when I was in Walmart and heard the song "Blue Christmas" and ended up sobbing.  Just a few days again I again heard that song and was able to at least not embarrass myself.  Is this evidence of acceptance?  Perhaps!  So far, this holiday season is progressing better and I'm not as numb. 

For the coming year I'm in search of happiness.  I've lost the sparkle I've had for life, which is hard to explain. Everything has a small shadow cast over it and the joy of life isn't as joyful as it once was.  I want that back! I'm different and I'm not sure I like that me.  I'm quicker to get angry and I'm more critical.  It's harder to find the humor in events.

Plans for the coming year include more "ME" time.  Whatever needs to be done will be there waiting for me.  I'm isolated and I need people and time out among people.  Crafts have always been relaxing and because of space and time are now nonexistent.

So I now have challenges for the new year and a plan of action...Up and onward...LOL!

I told you so!

Found Austin curled into the fetal position crying.  At first I thought it had to do with his Mom, but then found out he screwed up big time.  For weeks I've been bugging him to finish an application to get a full ride to an Ivy League college.  Today being the last day, he finally finished it and then went to submit it online.  There was a fly in the ointment, he had to get 2 recommendations from his teachers.  It is now Friday evening at 8 PM, can't do it. So he just blew a good chance to get college money.  I can't yell at him and tell him "I told you so!"  He was already so hard on himself.  Told him he needed to think what lesson he learned from this and then discussed it.

Part of my personality is finding the good when the shit hits the fan.  Well here's my thoughts...If he can't be responsible enough to get an application in then perhaps, he needs to go to college closer where I can still mother and support him.  If he did go to a college like Columbia in NYC would he not succeed just because he's too immature.  He's very intelligent, but not as mature as he presents himself.  Maybe this small failure is good for him, to teach him a lesson in procrastination.  Now he'll have to work harder to get scholarships to go to school, which could be another lesson he needs to learn.

Am I disappointed, yes I am!  I want him to be self motivated and self confident, but I also want to support him all I can.  From past experience, I know you have to let your kids hit the speed bumps, but it's a difficult balance between supporting them when needed and letting them have to experience the consequences in life.  And I thought I was finished with raising kids.  Boy! Was I wrong! 

Dear God, please guide me in knowing the right path to take as I help Austin into manhood.

Broken

Our family is so broken!  It's hard to believe that one person's death can fracture a family so much. Everyday there's a feeling that something is missing...is it joy? completeness?  We've never been a perfect family, but we've always have had cohesiveness and that seems to be gone.  I'm not sure we'll ever be the complete again.  Perhaps it's not only Sharon's death, but in a way we've also have lost Louie and Becky is teetering at the edge of a cliff.  How does one survive?  It's living a half life.  There are moments of joy, especially when interacting with Austin.  Listening to him sharing what he did that day, teaching him to drive, going to the pet store to buy crickets for a science experiment, having him explain  a game and of course I'm clueless ever after all his work to teach me the rules...LOL.  There has to be a way back to happiness, I pray I find it soon.  It's someplace hidden beneath my broken heart. 

Ugh!

On August 2, Becky is moving in.  I've cleaned out the garage/rec room.  Can't believe the amount of crap that was stored in there.  Last thing to go will be the piano.  I'm still pissed over that, but Michelle is taking it and it smooths out my ruffled feathers a little.  She has fond memories of her and Sharon playing it.  Not sure we can get everything done, but we can only wait and see.  I'm too old to be moving...every bone in my body hurts.  Also I'm very resentful that I have to go through this yet again.  Today, life sucks, hopefully tomorrow that will change.  Perhaps I'll find something fun to do and my mood will improve.  I don't want to be around people because I don't want to bring them down.  Dear God, please help!

Too Bad...

Last night I went to The Brew House to meet with Sharon's classmates for the CPHS 20th reunion.  Meeting with her friends was bittersweet. Everyone was warm and loving, but it was a reminder that Sharon was gone forever.  She would have loved reminiscencing about times past and catching up about the present.  Seeing everyone with smiles and hearing about their memories was difficult to listen to, but it was also heartwarming. It's hard to believe Sharon's really gone and that she gave up so much to stop the pain.  Too bad she didn't see the good that would be in her future.  Just one word, Damn!

Suicide

Listened to Montel Williams this morning about his viewpoint on physician assisted suicide.  After experiencing the suicide of my daughter and listening to my husband's wishes to die I've become very firm in my beliefs on this subject and this program reinforced those beliefs.  Montel having gone through a situation that brought him to the brink of despair and has much the same feelings as I do.  I know that doctors take an oath to preserve life and sometimes are against assisted suicide.  Perhaps another type of organization needs to be set up to help people in this situation with guidelines that clearly defines the right to die.  When people are no longer able to care for themselves and have lost their dignity they need to be able to choose their destiny.  Of course, one guideline should be that the person's overall situation will not ever improve and will eventually die from their condition.  When we put an animal to sleep, it's gentle and humane.  Why shouldn't that be a critically ill person's choice whether to die or continue with the natural process of death.  The other side of the coin is the clinically depressed person.  They should not be given this option because their illness is treatable.  When my daughter died  it has almost destroyed this family.  At this time, our family is fractured.  Holidays are no longer celebrated without the feeling of someone missing, certain subjects are avoided because of the pain remembered, and each person is grieving at different levels, in different ways.  And then there's the big 'why'.  

In  closing, I do believe in assisted suicide, but with very strict guidelines.

Life

Cathedral

Nature is my cathedral,
My place of worship. 

A place of spiritual delight.
A place of serenity.
A place of comfort and joy.
A place of self examination.

A place to release stress.
A place to dream and hope.
A place to remember and reminisce.
A place to cry.
A place to smile.
A place to play.

Nature a place of renewal of my soul,

My cathedral.

Gettin' Easier

As the days, weeks, months pass it begins to get easier. I'm not sure if it's shell shock or true healing. Some days the bad or sad memories invade my thoughts and it's a tough day. Most days, especially when I'm busy and engaged with every day life, the thoughts are mild or happy memories. The hardest days are holidays. Our family is small, but always together for major holidays. Since Sharon's death there's a missing part. Perhaps after we've gone through all the holidays once, the second go around will be easier. At least there's some respite from the doom and gloom. Liz and Austin seem to be doing well for what they've had to endure. There are more trials coming, but we'll survive. No other choice is available so life has to go on.

Resentment

Today I resent all I have been made to go through. No I'm not angry just because that would take too much energy. What I don't understand is how people go through life doing things and they don't seem to realize that what you do impacts more than just yourself. Louie for years drank to excess and in his later years developed diabetes. Hence, that has affected the whole family. His brain tumor, who knows what has caused that, but I wouldn't doubt his previous lifestyle to have had some influence. The brain tumor has had dramatic changes to everyone, but besides Louie I have given up so much to care for him, a job I loved, my freedom and everyday peace of mind. Then there's Sharon...OMG, I never knew anything could be so emotionally devastating. What the hell was she thinking? Next comes Becky...her eating disorder has torn her apart. Not only is it physically destroying her health but mentally her cognitive reasoning is less than normal. Last but not least, there's Brian. He seems to be in his own LaLa land. Not sure if he's just protecting himself or just being a jerk. Don't know where this is going but my outlook is dismal. My one bright spot is my grandkids...they are wonderful at the moment. Being the person I am, I have high hope that everything will change...Feels good to get that off my chest!

Full Moon

Never again will I look at the full moon with innocent eyes again or relish the wonder of it. Four months ago I observed the full moon with tears of loss. My precious daughter had decided to end her life. Upon finishing talking with the police, medical examiner, and a plethra of others, I walk outside to look up at the full moon. Each full moon since has reminded me of the events of that night and I say "I love you, Sharon" as I stare at it's shining splendor of light. It still amazes me how someone with so much to live for could have so much pain to give up on life. She, like the full moon, seemed to shine with splendor. In my heart I know nothing can change that moment when she decided to end the pain, but it still hurts unbearably. I keep hearing the words, "Time heals", but in some ways it becomes more difficult. Lonliness, loss becomes sharper, even though it's less often. Perhaps the next full moon will arrive with less painful thoughts. I read that the emotionally painful experiences that a person encounters helps to clear their soul for their entrance into heaven. What a beautiful thought!

Hindsight & Foresight

Hindsight is reflection of events that happened and hopefully learning from them. Foresight is having intuition to events before they happen or just plain "dumb luck" to do the right thing. Sometimes hindsight will just paralyze your life if you let it. Looking back at events and learning from them is constructive, but getting stuck in these reflections is destructive. Knowing the difference is the challenge. Kinda like playing poker, when to hold and when to fold. Another of life's little lessons. Some say age is wisdom but I thinks life's experiences are wisdom if you let them be. The events of the past year have been the toughest of my life and the most challenging, but probably have taught me the most also. Life is a journey with sometimes having foresight, using hindsight, and at times knowing when to fold. Knowing when to throw up your hands and say "shit happens", I can't change destiny, I have to accept it. I have to live the best I can and be as happy as possible until the next event, hoping it's good.

Beginnings

The new year has begun and my hopes are high for an improved year. Austin has settled into our household comfortably. I guess this has always been his home in a way. He lived here the first few years of his life and came back during breaks from school and for vacations. I've always wanted a home that my children always knew would be waiting for them not matter the circumstances of their return and I think I've achieved that goal. Liz is still hoping for a teaching job and working hard subbing. Becky is still dealing with her eating disorder and I can only pray that this year she'll find dominance over the "beast". Brian is teaching 5th grade and now has aquired 2 Ragdoll cats. Never did I see him as a cat person, this is a surprise...LOL. Then there's Louie and I fear he'll not be with us for long. Not only do I see a decline in his health, but also his will to live has disappeared. He's taken Sharon's death so hard and he just wants to go to her. They've always have had a special connection and his heart is broken over what has transpired.

Yes, our family has a few more trials to endure in the next year, but the tragedies from 2011 are beginning to heal and we are strong! Perhaps there is a lesson in all this chaos...If there is, I am not able to figure it out at this time. Maybe one day I'll have a big A-ha, but not today.

No plans have been made for the coming year. I feel like I need to drift for a while and let life just happen. It will anyway. 2012 has been predicted to be the end and in someways, it has been. But with an end does a beginning follow? Yes, I believe it does. With the end of childhood comes the beginning of adulthood. With the end of Winter comes Spring. So, when one chapter ends in your life and then the next chapter begins.

HERE'S TO THE BEGINNING OF THE NEXT CHAPTER!