Thanksgiving is behind us. It was the first holiday since Sharon's death. When Becky drove up to my house she saw Liz's car & Sharon's car, then she realized that Sharon wasn't here. It brought tears to her eyes and an ache in her heart. I know how these events can just trigger a person's emotions. Two days before Thanksgiving waves of sadness would wash over me. I think these holidays are going to be very challenging. I didn't think I needed to see a therapist, but the last few days have proven me wrong.
Christmas is quickly approaching. I thought perhaps we wouldn't make our usual trek out to the Christmas tree farm to cut down our tree, but Austin was adament about continuing our tradition. So I decided that we'll make this the best Christmas ever. First item on the agenda is decorating the house both inside and out. Next is attending Christmas programs and parties. Finally, Christmas baking and sharing with neigbors. Of course there's always shopping. WATCH OUT: Liz and Austin, Christmas will be festive this year!
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Letter to Sharon
Dearest Sharon,
It was time, you had to leave, but I wasn't ready or would I ever be ready for your leaving. As I speak to your friends I hear them say you knew you would die young. From the time of your birth I also felt this and was told it was because I chose for you to be my last child. I didn't believe it then and now more than ever do not believe that.
Yes, it's hard to lose a child, but in some ways yoy've made it easier for me. You left me Austin, another love of my life. Also you left Pepper and Poppy who just want to be loved and fed...LOL. THEN, there's this financial mess that keeps me busy until I can heal a little better and perhaps cope with your death. Lastly there's John and I know you loved him, but I blame him for the loss of your spirit. Sorry, but I blame him, not for your death, but for leading you into drug use. You depended on him to give you support and when you needed it, he let you down. He didn't love you the way you needed and should have been loved.
My darling daughter, I wish you peace and the love you've always have seeked. I will take care of the things you've loved (less John) and will miss you for the rest of my life. Even in the short month you've been gone I've reached for the phone many times to talk with you. I miss the hugs you always gave me. I miss YOU! Yes, you were grown up, but you'll always be my baby girl...
LOVE,
Mommy
Monday, November 7, 2011
Four weeks since...
Four weeks since Sharon's death and I'm still perplexed and wondering. The more I delve into her papers and journals the more I don't understand. Of course I'll probably never know all of it since John threw so much away. Comments like "what is he hiding?", keeps running through my thoughts. This was said by quite a few people and I wonder. She was in extreme financial difficulties and perhaps afraid her addiction would land her in jail. I'm sure she was worrying about letting everyone down. After taking drugs the day before I'm sure she wasn't thinking with a clear mind. Yes, drugs ultimately killed her, but many things lead up to her using again.
As I review her life I can only come to one conclusion. She seemed happy when she was in nursing school. During her last years at SDSU she met John. He was getting a divorce and eventually they ended up together. He has a strong arrogant personality and Sharon thought he was her knight in shining armor. I never liked him, but did tolerate him because of my daughter. There was an argument between John and I that made be realize how controlling he was and he expected everyone to bow to his wishes. He then started dividing Sharon from her friends and family. They found a house in Chula Vista and Sharon told me that John didn't like coming home to find her friends or family over. Then he had an idea to move to Texas to make his fortune. He bought Sharon an engagement ring, promised to marry her, and also promised that if she didn't like Texas they would move back after a year. Both promises were broken and I believe this was the start of Sharon's decline. One Thanksgiving Louie and I drove to Texas, I discovered a few things I was uncomfortable with. First, John treated Austin as a slave, telling him to do many things and expecting Austin to jump to it. Louie has always expected the kids to do chores, but even he commented to me about the treatment. Next, both Sharon and John were constantly drinking. Another thing that concerned me were bottles of prescription drugs with other peoples name were in the kitchen cabinet. I asked Sharon if everything was okay and she said she was just lonely and wanted to come home. She said they would come home soon...it didn't happen until 3 years later. I never knew that in those 3 years, Sharon started using drugs and had 2 suicide attempts. Finally she came home!
After coming home she stayed with us for a few weeks without John because he was selling the house, etc., etc. Then he came back and they all lived with us which didn't last long. Of course, John had to sleep on the couch instead of in the bed. The couches were new and he treated everything with a lack of respect. Finally, they moved out under less than pleasant circumstances.
They found a house in Chula Vista and all seemed okay. It took John a long time to go back to work, but Sharon found a job quickly. She changed jobs about 3 times before she starting working at a local university hospital. I received a call one evening from John saying Sharon tried to commit suicide and the paramedics were at the house. Sharon was caught at work stealing drugs and John told her if she was using one more time , it was over between them, thus the suicide attempt. Upon arriving I found Sharon in the back of an ambulance being fed charcoal and then she was transported to a local hospital. we all went to the ER. During the time I visited her she took a seizure. She turned bright red and her whole body stiffened. I was rushed out of ER and she had a breathing tube inserted and spent the next few days in ICU. Then she was admitted to a psychic unit and stayed for a while. John refused to go to counseling with Sharon because he thought he knew all about her problems. After coming out of the center, Sharon continued seeing a therapist and decided to go to a drug rehab. Again John let Sharon down. He refused to go to groups and left to start a business in Arizona. He left Liz to care for the boys and shortly afterwards Sharon's dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor. And if this wasn't enough on Sharon's shoulders then a letter from the DA came charging her with 11 felony counts for stealing drugs. Still John stayed in Arizona leaving her to deal with so much!
Sharon went to court and faced the charges and they were reduced to 3 felonies. If she could stay clean for 6 months to a year then she could have the charges reduced to a misdemeanor. Still John stayed in Arizona. Because Sharon couldn't find a job I offered to pay her to care for her dad until I finished out the school year. What a wonderful job she did with her dad!!!
June came and John came home for Jackson's promotion from 8th grade. To Sharon's disappointment he only stayed overnight and left immediately after the ceremony. She was deeply hurt! During the next few months she had some periods of using again. At one point she tried to administer drugs interveniuosly and ended up with a major infection. Another trip to the hospital, surgery, and months of doctor appointments. Money became tight and she was living off of credit cards. Finally I think she realized that her relationship with John was over. She couldn't find a job, she was going to school and all the stresses were piling up.
The day before she died, she called me crying. We spoke for about 45 minutes and I tried to help her solve some of the difficulties she was experiencing. I asked her to come over because I couldn't leave Louie, but she refused. Later that day, Liz came home to find Sharon high and she argued with her. The next day Sharon was dead...
As I review her life I can only come to one conclusion. She seemed happy when she was in nursing school. During her last years at SDSU she met John. He was getting a divorce and eventually they ended up together. He has a strong arrogant personality and Sharon thought he was her knight in shining armor. I never liked him, but did tolerate him because of my daughter. There was an argument between John and I that made be realize how controlling he was and he expected everyone to bow to his wishes. He then started dividing Sharon from her friends and family. They found a house in Chula Vista and Sharon told me that John didn't like coming home to find her friends or family over. Then he had an idea to move to Texas to make his fortune. He bought Sharon an engagement ring, promised to marry her, and also promised that if she didn't like Texas they would move back after a year. Both promises were broken and I believe this was the start of Sharon's decline. One Thanksgiving Louie and I drove to Texas, I discovered a few things I was uncomfortable with. First, John treated Austin as a slave, telling him to do many things and expecting Austin to jump to it. Louie has always expected the kids to do chores, but even he commented to me about the treatment. Next, both Sharon and John were constantly drinking. Another thing that concerned me were bottles of prescription drugs with other peoples name were in the kitchen cabinet. I asked Sharon if everything was okay and she said she was just lonely and wanted to come home. She said they would come home soon...it didn't happen until 3 years later. I never knew that in those 3 years, Sharon started using drugs and had 2 suicide attempts. Finally she came home!
After coming home she stayed with us for a few weeks without John because he was selling the house, etc., etc. Then he came back and they all lived with us which didn't last long. Of course, John had to sleep on the couch instead of in the bed. The couches were new and he treated everything with a lack of respect. Finally, they moved out under less than pleasant circumstances.
They found a house in Chula Vista and all seemed okay. It took John a long time to go back to work, but Sharon found a job quickly. She changed jobs about 3 times before she starting working at a local university hospital. I received a call one evening from John saying Sharon tried to commit suicide and the paramedics were at the house. Sharon was caught at work stealing drugs and John told her if she was using one more time , it was over between them, thus the suicide attempt. Upon arriving I found Sharon in the back of an ambulance being fed charcoal and then she was transported to a local hospital. we all went to the ER. During the time I visited her she took a seizure. She turned bright red and her whole body stiffened. I was rushed out of ER and she had a breathing tube inserted and spent the next few days in ICU. Then she was admitted to a psychic unit and stayed for a while. John refused to go to counseling with Sharon because he thought he knew all about her problems. After coming out of the center, Sharon continued seeing a therapist and decided to go to a drug rehab. Again John let Sharon down. He refused to go to groups and left to start a business in Arizona. He left Liz to care for the boys and shortly afterwards Sharon's dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor. And if this wasn't enough on Sharon's shoulders then a letter from the DA came charging her with 11 felony counts for stealing drugs. Still John stayed in Arizona leaving her to deal with so much!
Sharon went to court and faced the charges and they were reduced to 3 felonies. If she could stay clean for 6 months to a year then she could have the charges reduced to a misdemeanor. Still John stayed in Arizona. Because Sharon couldn't find a job I offered to pay her to care for her dad until I finished out the school year. What a wonderful job she did with her dad!!!
June came and John came home for Jackson's promotion from 8th grade. To Sharon's disappointment he only stayed overnight and left immediately after the ceremony. She was deeply hurt! During the next few months she had some periods of using again. At one point she tried to administer drugs interveniuosly and ended up with a major infection. Another trip to the hospital, surgery, and months of doctor appointments. Money became tight and she was living off of credit cards. Finally I think she realized that her relationship with John was over. She couldn't find a job, she was going to school and all the stresses were piling up.
The day before she died, she called me crying. We spoke for about 45 minutes and I tried to help her solve some of the difficulties she was experiencing. I asked her to come over because I couldn't leave Louie, but she refused. Later that day, Liz came home to find Sharon high and she argued with her. The next day Sharon was dead...
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Sorry!
If you're trying to leave a comment and having problems, Liz will be working on it in a couple of days. Can't figure it out but that younger generation will just about make the computer salute...LOL
Friday, October 14, 2011
Day 3
Cannot believe it's only been 3 days, it seems like the weight of my grief has been on me so much longer. As people learn of Sharon's suicide I'm hearing many condolences and heartfelt expressions of sorrow. I have a need for people to hear my message about depression, addiction and mental illness. So many people have come forward. Oh Sharon! You were so loved and respected! I'm sure you weren't aware of that. How could you not see that! Your emotional pain was so great. Why couldn't you just hold on a little longer?
I've heard the comments about how strong I am...I'm not! What else can I do. I can only walk through these fires of hell and keep moving. Perhaps someday I'll get through this firestorm and feel more peaceful. I'm shattered! Austin and Elizabeth keep me forging ahead. Austin has been abandoned. First, by not knowing his birth father, next by losing a stepbrother, a stepfather, and finally by his mother. He's always been withdrawn and I worry. Elizabeth, even though, she's an adult has been also abandoned by people for various reasons. Most of all, her Auntie Sharon. Elizabth has been on the frontlines living with Sharon and experiencing the depression, addiction, and Sharon's life spiraling out of control. Then to add to these events, finding Sharon dead and having to give her CPR for 8 minutes until the paramedics arrived to pronounce Sharon dead. My poor babies!
I fear the next stage of this process which is the business side and legalities. Yesterday it began with having to go to the mortuary and arrange for Sharon's cremation. Lots of forms and decisions. As I sat in the conference room with Elizabeth, and my son Brian, I looked toward shelves that held urns, thinking about what they would hold. Elizabeth was softly crying and using tissues to dry her tears. After stopping her tears, she had a small mountain of tissues and wanted to throw them away. She asked if we knew where a trash can was and I told her if she couldn't find one to just put them in the urns, no one would know. Looking at me with an impish smile, she began to laugh. Even though, there's so much pain, there are moments like that which keep us moving forward. Today it's off to Social Security to see about getting benefits for Austin. I've always hated paperwork and with the grief licking at my heels it's even worse.
Next, comes the closing of accounts and transferring the ownership of property. This will get messy! John came back from Tucson and thinks he can take over since abandoning Sharon. Already he's talking about driving her car. She hated when John drove her car because he's careless with it. He backs into things and leaves all kinds of crap in it. And bottom line is he didn't marry Sharon and he has no rights. Yes, I'm bitter! When Sharon needed him most he disappeared to Tucson because he didn't want to enable her (his words). I don't believe that. He may not be the only cause of Sharon's death, but he has contributed to the causes. Why is he back now? I think it's the guilt. I want him to disappear. When I look at him it's like waving a red flag before me. My anger is just below the surface and I'm ready to release it. I want to scream, "Go the fuck away, we don't need you!"
Griefing is a process that has many stages and contains so many different emotions that are spinning out of control. One constant is the pain. It just rolls over me like the waves of the ocean crashing onto the shore. Periods of relief comes when the waves receed, but never far and always building to slam into the shore a short while later. Sometimes the tide goes out and the waves are gentle and then it's high tide the waves built with strength and intensity to knock you off your feet.
The journey I'm no is not pleasant, but something I have to endure. I'll be glad when 2011 is over. This year just continues to go from bad to worse. On New Year's I'm going to celebrate the new year and hope it begins a cycle of good events. I'm not sure how much more I can take. Now even running away is no longer possible because the events of the last year are etched about my soul. Sharon's death weighs everyone down with the "what if's" and the feeling of helplessness. Now there is nothing we can do for her, she's in the hands of a greater power. Rest in Peace my beautiful baby girl! I miss you...
I've heard the comments about how strong I am...I'm not! What else can I do. I can only walk through these fires of hell and keep moving. Perhaps someday I'll get through this firestorm and feel more peaceful. I'm shattered! Austin and Elizabeth keep me forging ahead. Austin has been abandoned. First, by not knowing his birth father, next by losing a stepbrother, a stepfather, and finally by his mother. He's always been withdrawn and I worry. Elizabeth, even though, she's an adult has been also abandoned by people for various reasons. Most of all, her Auntie Sharon. Elizabth has been on the frontlines living with Sharon and experiencing the depression, addiction, and Sharon's life spiraling out of control. Then to add to these events, finding Sharon dead and having to give her CPR for 8 minutes until the paramedics arrived to pronounce Sharon dead. My poor babies!
I fear the next stage of this process which is the business side and legalities. Yesterday it began with having to go to the mortuary and arrange for Sharon's cremation. Lots of forms and decisions. As I sat in the conference room with Elizabeth, and my son Brian, I looked toward shelves that held urns, thinking about what they would hold. Elizabeth was softly crying and using tissues to dry her tears. After stopping her tears, she had a small mountain of tissues and wanted to throw them away. She asked if we knew where a trash can was and I told her if she couldn't find one to just put them in the urns, no one would know. Looking at me with an impish smile, she began to laugh. Even though, there's so much pain, there are moments like that which keep us moving forward. Today it's off to Social Security to see about getting benefits for Austin. I've always hated paperwork and with the grief licking at my heels it's even worse.
Next, comes the closing of accounts and transferring the ownership of property. This will get messy! John came back from Tucson and thinks he can take over since abandoning Sharon. Already he's talking about driving her car. She hated when John drove her car because he's careless with it. He backs into things and leaves all kinds of crap in it. And bottom line is he didn't marry Sharon and he has no rights. Yes, I'm bitter! When Sharon needed him most he disappeared to Tucson because he didn't want to enable her (his words). I don't believe that. He may not be the only cause of Sharon's death, but he has contributed to the causes. Why is he back now? I think it's the guilt. I want him to disappear. When I look at him it's like waving a red flag before me. My anger is just below the surface and I'm ready to release it. I want to scream, "Go the fuck away, we don't need you!"
Griefing is a process that has many stages and contains so many different emotions that are spinning out of control. One constant is the pain. It just rolls over me like the waves of the ocean crashing onto the shore. Periods of relief comes when the waves receed, but never far and always building to slam into the shore a short while later. Sometimes the tide goes out and the waves are gentle and then it's high tide the waves built with strength and intensity to knock you off your feet.
The journey I'm no is not pleasant, but something I have to endure. I'll be glad when 2011 is over. This year just continues to go from bad to worse. On New Year's I'm going to celebrate the new year and hope it begins a cycle of good events. I'm not sure how much more I can take. Now even running away is no longer possible because the events of the last year are etched about my soul. Sharon's death weighs everyone down with the "what if's" and the feeling of helplessness. Now there is nothing we can do for her, she's in the hands of a greater power. Rest in Peace my beautiful baby girl! I miss you...
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Unbearable Pain
When a child is born there is pain. Shortly after that pain comes emotion, at least for me. After I birthed my babies and was handed that small bundle of humanity little did I know not only the joy , but also the pain that child would bring me. As I took that small bundle into my arms the overwhelming feeling of love coursed through my body. Never again would I feel the strength of the emotion until much later and in a negative way until it became pain. Yes, love hurts!
As a parent I experienced many joys as well as pain from my children. The first time my children received their shots, the first time he/ she received stitches or a cast I felt their pain and my own. Not only the physical pain, but the emotional pain I also felt. When my child came home with a tale of a friend telling them that they didn't want to be friends anymore or the times when they had heartaches from a break up. Of course the joys and wonders of growing up were also experienced.
I thought the terrible two's were bad as my children past that age, but then came their teen years and I realized I had to give them the freedom to make choices both bad and good. As they went into adulthood I watched them go into the world and become themselves. Again, some good and some bad experiences. I laughed and I cried along with them. Little did I know that the most devastating experience of my life laid just around the corner. I watched as Becky and Sharon went through stages of addiction and depression with little I could do to pave their hurts and torments. Then Sharon decided she could no longer take the pain of her life and committed suicide. In all the years on Earth little did I know what pain really was. It has gripped at my very essence, poured into my cells, and has ripped my life apart. The pain of childbirth is just a shadow of the pain I feel now. At times I can hardly breathe in a normal rhythm. Will life ever be calm and lacking turmoil?
Presently, the pain just rolls over me, much as an ocean wave crashes into the shore. It slams into me, almost knocking me down and then it gently washes away to return a short while later. It has only been less than 48 hours, but in those hours there has been so much emotion and devastating pain. Just like a wave, it continues to erode away at my core. I try to remember the good and happy memories, but right now the bad overpowers the good. Photos help remind me of the good. Friends have been uplifting. Even strangers have added light to this very, very dark place. Then the dark invades. It is said, "Time heals all wounds." Bullshit!!! This is one wound all the time in the world will not heal completely. I agree it'll get better. It will never go away. as I speak to other mother's who have lost children, I realize there is an empty spot within me that will never be filled.
This last year has been filled with negative events and recently I said, "What else could happen?" At this point, only the good would surprise me. I want peace. I want calm. I want an uncomplicated life. I'm tired to my core. I need something to uplift me and take me away from the waves of dis pare. Time, good friend, and the knowing that this will get better, keeps me going. Kinda like looking at the light at the end of the tunnel.
Best advice I've gotten so far is when people say something that is asinine to speak up and tell them, "You're not helping with that comment." In other words, take back control of a situation that's out of control.
As a parent I experienced many joys as well as pain from my children. The first time my children received their shots, the first time he/ she received stitches or a cast I felt their pain and my own. Not only the physical pain, but the emotional pain I also felt. When my child came home with a tale of a friend telling them that they didn't want to be friends anymore or the times when they had heartaches from a break up. Of course the joys and wonders of growing up were also experienced.
I thought the terrible two's were bad as my children past that age, but then came their teen years and I realized I had to give them the freedom to make choices both bad and good. As they went into adulthood I watched them go into the world and become themselves. Again, some good and some bad experiences. I laughed and I cried along with them. Little did I know that the most devastating experience of my life laid just around the corner. I watched as Becky and Sharon went through stages of addiction and depression with little I could do to pave their hurts and torments. Then Sharon decided she could no longer take the pain of her life and committed suicide. In all the years on Earth little did I know what pain really was. It has gripped at my very essence, poured into my cells, and has ripped my life apart. The pain of childbirth is just a shadow of the pain I feel now. At times I can hardly breathe in a normal rhythm. Will life ever be calm and lacking turmoil?
Presently, the pain just rolls over me, much as an ocean wave crashes into the shore. It slams into me, almost knocking me down and then it gently washes away to return a short while later. It has only been less than 48 hours, but in those hours there has been so much emotion and devastating pain. Just like a wave, it continues to erode away at my core. I try to remember the good and happy memories, but right now the bad overpowers the good. Photos help remind me of the good. Friends have been uplifting. Even strangers have added light to this very, very dark place. Then the dark invades. It is said, "Time heals all wounds." Bullshit!!! This is one wound all the time in the world will not heal completely. I agree it'll get better. It will never go away. as I speak to other mother's who have lost children, I realize there is an empty spot within me that will never be filled.
This last year has been filled with negative events and recently I said, "What else could happen?" At this point, only the good would surprise me. I want peace. I want calm. I want an uncomplicated life. I'm tired to my core. I need something to uplift me and take me away from the waves of dis pare. Time, good friend, and the knowing that this will get better, keeps me going. Kinda like looking at the light at the end of the tunnel.
Best advice I've gotten so far is when people say something that is asinine to speak up and tell them, "You're not helping with that comment." In other words, take back control of a situation that's out of control.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I Have Become My Grandmother
My Finnish grandmother used to read the obituaries every morning. One day I asked her why and she replied "To see if my friends are alive" in her strange accent. A few days ago I searched for a friend who I hadn't heard from in months only to learn he passed away a couple of weeks ago. As I reflect, I realize how fragile life is and you have to say the important things to people around you because you may never have another chance. Life changes so quickly and one needs to grab for the golden ring every time it comes into view. Another realization is the need to let go of the little annoyances and only dealing with the serious issues.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Life Goes On
As 2011 began little did I know the challenges this year would bring. Becky is still in her program and has made slow progress to getting her life back on track. It's been an uphill battle and can only pray she'll find peace one day soon. Sharon has been making great progress, but I'm almost afraid to hope. Taking care of her Dad during the day seems to have help her gain her self-esteem back. Louie is making progress in both his physical challenges and his mental. Elizabeth and Austin are both in surprisingly good places considering what their mothers have been up to. All I can say is they are extremely resilient.
Friday I had a big surprise when Louie agreed to continue seeing a therapist. Before his surgery he would have never agreed to it, so perhaps some good has come out of this situation. I believe he was depressed before the brain tumor was discovered, but he wouldn't have admitted that.
Finally I'm coming to terms with retiring. Friday was my big "AHH!" day. Went to a baby shower for my team partner and received the news that the principal is making grade level changes out of spite. Boy! Am I glad I won't be there next year. The atmosphere will be tense to say the least, if not all out war. Not a good place to be for man or beast.
My list of things to do after I retire have changed drastically. I thought I'd be able to travel and have more freedom, but under the circumstances it seems to be the opposite. I'll have to put my energies into doing around the house. I'm planning on starting a raised bed vegetable garden, doing a lot of couponing, and working on my family tree. Of course, I can always paint the house inside and out, and a million other maintanance things at home. Also I'm looking into resprite care so occasionally I can get out to do something for me.
Never realized that having a handicap person to care for can completely drain the life out of a person. BUT, I'm a survivor! Now I have to completely rethink the rest of my life...mmm! Next post will include those thoughts.
Friday I had a big surprise when Louie agreed to continue seeing a therapist. Before his surgery he would have never agreed to it, so perhaps some good has come out of this situation. I believe he was depressed before the brain tumor was discovered, but he wouldn't have admitted that.
Finally I'm coming to terms with retiring. Friday was my big "AHH!" day. Went to a baby shower for my team partner and received the news that the principal is making grade level changes out of spite. Boy! Am I glad I won't be there next year. The atmosphere will be tense to say the least, if not all out war. Not a good place to be for man or beast.
My list of things to do after I retire have changed drastically. I thought I'd be able to travel and have more freedom, but under the circumstances it seems to be the opposite. I'll have to put my energies into doing around the house. I'm planning on starting a raised bed vegetable garden, doing a lot of couponing, and working on my family tree. Of course, I can always paint the house inside and out, and a million other maintanance things at home. Also I'm looking into resprite care so occasionally I can get out to do something for me.
Never realized that having a handicap person to care for can completely drain the life out of a person. BUT, I'm a survivor! Now I have to completely rethink the rest of my life...mmm! Next post will include those thoughts.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Another Day
Today Sharon, Louie and I went to see the neurosurgeon. Basically he told Louie it was up to him if he was going to recover. In 6 weeks Louie is to have another MRI to see what the tumor is doing. If it's growing he may need chemo and radiation to stop it or he can choose not to do anything and die, but it will be a long time coming. Possibly he may end up in a nursing home not able to move or speak before finally dying. Prognoses doesn't sound good without serious interventions. This SUCKS!!! Big time. It's like living with a time bomb that slowly detonates and then slowly blows up in slow motion. I can't give advice on this.
Presently, Louie is in a wheelchair and very frustrated with the whole situation. Of course, he tries to vent on the closest person which happens to be me. My first thought is to escape, but I know I can't and won't. I've cried a river but that doesn't help, it only makes my nose run. Damn! Damn! Damn!
Presently, Louie is in a wheelchair and very frustrated with the whole situation. Of course, he tries to vent on the closest person which happens to be me. My first thought is to escape, but I know I can't and won't. I've cried a river but that doesn't help, it only makes my nose run. Damn! Damn! Damn!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Another Setback
Recovery has been long and tedious. It's been five weeks on Monday and the road has been not only long, but also bumpy. Everytime I think we're past the speed bumps, another one develops. Again I thought Louie was off to rehab when he started to get chest pains and then was vomiting. Doctor thinks its just the pneumonia, but wants to observe him for 24 hours before sending him to rehab.
It's so hard to watch a loved one go through so many difficulties. I try to be encouraging, but I'm not sure I have it in me anymore. Louie wants to give up and I do understand it. The light at the end of the tunnel is weakly flickering.
My prayer: Please, dear God, be merciful.
It's so hard to watch a loved one go through so many difficulties. I try to be encouraging, but I'm not sure I have it in me anymore. Louie wants to give up and I do understand it. The light at the end of the tunnel is weakly flickering.
My prayer: Please, dear God, be merciful.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
What Am I Doing?
Yesterday, was a frustrating day and this morning I woke up with a big Aha! I've known this, but haven't internalized it until now. I'm living with a family of depressed people!
As a child my mother was depressed. One thing I will always remember is that she was looking for a rich relative and wanted to be something she wasn't. A story she told was she was related to the Hershey family (the chocolate empire),which was an untruth. Her aunt married a Hershey, but not the same family, as far as, I've determined.
Then there's Louie, the center of our immediate family. Since retiring, he has isolated himself more and more. One recent comment was that no one liked him and he slowed everyone down. Perhaps this is an age thing, but as I remember back, he has always felt inadequate. For many years he drank and it could be to mask these feelings. I wonder if he didn't pass these traits off to his daughters, either environmentally or genetically??? Another point to ponder.
Next is Becky. Her eating disorder, alcoholism, and drug use has all been overshadowed with depression. Not sure which came first the depression or the addiction. It's much like the old story of the chicken and the egg. Finally, the alcholism and the drug use is in the background for the time being and the eating disorder is more controlled. Of course, I wouldn't be surprised if another addiction pops up. Beck does have a diagnose of bipolar, which I'm not sure about, that can contribute to the many other possible addictions and out of control behaviors.
Finally, there's Sharon and her drug use. As a teen she was into drugs, but she cleaned herself up when she became pregnant for Austin. For many years, she was clean. Meeting John was her downfall. John was also addicted to drugs as a younger person and he has a very condecending type personality. Sharon lost herself in their relationship and I feel John has some responsibility in Sharon's present addictive behaviors. When I visited them in Texas, there were drugs in a common cabinet. John was aware of these drugs and perhaps he was even indulging??? Sharon hasn't been happy for many years, but finally in rehab she seems to be finding herself. Unfortunatly, she'll be facing drug charges. The outcome could be devastating.
I wonder if there are connections that tie this all together. More ideas to ponder and wonder about. Another pondering is "What the hell am I doing here?". I'm a half full cup person and I'm surrounded by unpleasantness. Thank god for my friends who are mostly upbeat people. They keep me sane and able to meet the challenges I'm facing. I'm sure they think they're not doing much, but they truly are my rocks.
As a child my mother was depressed. One thing I will always remember is that she was looking for a rich relative and wanted to be something she wasn't. A story she told was she was related to the Hershey family (the chocolate empire),which was an untruth. Her aunt married a Hershey, but not the same family, as far as, I've determined.
Then there's Louie, the center of our immediate family. Since retiring, he has isolated himself more and more. One recent comment was that no one liked him and he slowed everyone down. Perhaps this is an age thing, but as I remember back, he has always felt inadequate. For many years he drank and it could be to mask these feelings. I wonder if he didn't pass these traits off to his daughters, either environmentally or genetically??? Another point to ponder.
Next is Becky. Her eating disorder, alcoholism, and drug use has all been overshadowed with depression. Not sure which came first the depression or the addiction. It's much like the old story of the chicken and the egg. Finally, the alcholism and the drug use is in the background for the time being and the eating disorder is more controlled. Of course, I wouldn't be surprised if another addiction pops up. Beck does have a diagnose of bipolar, which I'm not sure about, that can contribute to the many other possible addictions and out of control behaviors.
Finally, there's Sharon and her drug use. As a teen she was into drugs, but she cleaned herself up when she became pregnant for Austin. For many years, she was clean. Meeting John was her downfall. John was also addicted to drugs as a younger person and he has a very condecending type personality. Sharon lost herself in their relationship and I feel John has some responsibility in Sharon's present addictive behaviors. When I visited them in Texas, there were drugs in a common cabinet. John was aware of these drugs and perhaps he was even indulging??? Sharon hasn't been happy for many years, but finally in rehab she seems to be finding herself. Unfortunatly, she'll be facing drug charges. The outcome could be devastating.
I wonder if there are connections that tie this all together. More ideas to ponder and wonder about. Another pondering is "What the hell am I doing here?". I'm a half full cup person and I'm surrounded by unpleasantness. Thank god for my friends who are mostly upbeat people. They keep me sane and able to meet the challenges I'm facing. I'm sure they think they're not doing much, but they truly are my rocks.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
2011...Not what I thought it would be
2011 has begun, but not what I thought it would bring. Early January brought the diagnosis that Louie had a brain tumor. That in it self floored me, never would I have thought I'd face something like that. I always thought that diabetes would take his life, but reality tells me it may not be the case. Surgery has been postponed once and it looms in the near future. As I watch Louie deteriorating everyday my heart is being pulled out of my chest. Then when I think of the surgery, I think "will he survive". There is no easy answer, I have to put it in God's hands. Living each day feeling like doom is following you is pure hell. I can almost laugh at people whose largest problem is what to wear. I don't say "why me", because I don't want to know. I'm a strong woman and I'll make it through this hard journey. Also I know others have endured similar circumstances and they now are stronger and wiser. My fears are enormous and my mind cannot be shut down. I escape to work which may seem strange to some people, but being with 31 children doesn't give a person time to think about their problems. also I escape into reading which is getting harder to do. After this journey I'll need to sit down and re-evaluate my life and my goals. I will not say it can't get worse because it can, but it will not be forever!
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