Day 3

Cannot believe it's only been 3 days, it seems like the weight of my grief has been on me so much longer. As people learn of Sharon's suicide I'm hearing many condolences and heartfelt expressions of sorrow. I have a need for people to hear my message about depression, addiction and mental illness. So many people have come forward. Oh Sharon! You were so loved and respected! I'm sure you weren't aware of that. How could you not see that! Your emotional pain was so great. Why couldn't you just hold on a little longer?

I've heard the comments about how strong I am...I'm not! What else can I do. I can only walk through these fires of hell and keep moving. Perhaps someday I'll get through this firestorm and feel more peaceful. I'm shattered! Austin and Elizabeth keep me forging ahead. Austin has been abandoned. First, by not knowing his birth father, next by losing a stepbrother, a stepfather, and finally by his mother. He's always been withdrawn and I worry. Elizabeth, even though, she's an adult has been also abandoned by people for various reasons. Most of all, her Auntie Sharon. Elizabth has been on the frontlines living with Sharon and experiencing the depression, addiction, and Sharon's life spiraling out of control. Then to add to these events, finding Sharon dead and having to give her CPR for 8 minutes until the paramedics arrived to pronounce Sharon dead. My poor babies!

I fear the next stage of this process which is the business side and legalities. Yesterday it began with having to go to the mortuary and arrange for Sharon's cremation. Lots of forms and decisions. As I sat in the conference room with Elizabeth, and my son Brian, I looked toward shelves that held urns, thinking about what they would hold. Elizabeth was softly crying and using tissues to dry her tears. After stopping her tears, she had a small mountain of tissues and wanted to throw them away. She asked if we knew where a trash can was and I told her if she couldn't find one to just put them in the urns, no one would know. Looking at me with an impish smile, she began to laugh. Even though, there's so much pain, there are moments like that which keep us moving forward. Today it's off to Social Security to see about getting benefits for Austin. I've always hated paperwork and with the grief licking at my heels it's even worse.

Next, comes the closing of accounts and transferring the ownership of property. This will get messy! John came back from Tucson and thinks he can take over since abandoning Sharon. Already he's talking about driving her car. She hated when John drove her car because he's careless with it. He backs into things and leaves all kinds of crap in it. And bottom line is he didn't marry Sharon and he has no rights. Yes, I'm bitter! When Sharon needed him most he disappeared to Tucson because he didn't want to enable her (his words). I don't believe that. He may not be the only cause of Sharon's death, but he has contributed to the causes. Why is he back now? I think it's the guilt. I want him to disappear. When I look at him it's like waving a red flag before me. My anger is just below the surface and I'm ready to release it. I want to scream, "Go the fuck away, we don't need you!"

Griefing is a process that has many stages and contains so many different emotions that are spinning out of control. One constant is the pain. It just rolls over me like the waves of the ocean crashing onto the shore. Periods of relief comes when the waves receed, but never far and always building to slam into the shore a short while later. Sometimes the tide goes out and the waves are gentle and then it's high tide the waves built with strength and intensity to knock you off your feet.

The journey I'm no is not pleasant, but something I have to endure. I'll be glad when 2011 is over. This year just continues to go from bad to worse. On New Year's I'm going to celebrate the new year and hope it begins a cycle of good events. I'm not sure how much more I can take. Now even running away is no longer possible because the events of the last year are etched about my soul. Sharon's death weighs everyone down with the "what if's" and the feeling of helplessness. Now there is nothing we can do for her, she's in the hands of a greater power. Rest in Peace my beautiful baby girl! I miss you...