Unbearable Pain

When a child is born there is pain. Shortly after that pain comes emotion, at least for me. After I birthed my babies and was handed that small bundle of humanity little did I know not only the joy , but also the pain that child would bring me. As I took that small bundle into my arms the overwhelming feeling of love coursed through my body. Never again would I feel the strength of the emotion until much later and in a negative way until it became pain. Yes, love hurts!

As a parent I experienced many joys as well as pain from my children. The first time my children received their shots, the first time he/ she received stitches or a cast I felt their pain and my own. Not only the physical pain, but the emotional pain I also felt. When my child came home with a tale of a friend telling them that they didn't want to be friends anymore or the times when they had heartaches from a break up. Of course the joys and wonders of growing up were also experienced.

I thought the terrible two's were bad as my children past that age, but then came their teen years and I realized I had to give them the freedom to make choices both bad and good. As they went into adulthood I watched them go into the world and become themselves. Again, some good and some bad experiences. I laughed and I cried along with them. Little did I know that the most devastating experience of my life laid just around the corner. I watched as Becky and Sharon went through stages of addiction and depression with little I could do to pave their hurts and torments. Then Sharon decided she could no longer take the pain of her life and committed suicide. In all the years on Earth little did I know what pain really was. It has gripped at my very essence, poured into my cells, and has ripped my life apart. The pain of childbirth is just a shadow of the pain I feel now. At times I can hardly breathe in a normal rhythm. Will life ever be calm and lacking turmoil?

Presently, the pain just rolls over me, much as an ocean wave crashes into the shore. It slams into me, almost knocking me down and then it gently washes away to return a short while later. It has only been less than 48 hours, but in those hours there has been so much emotion and devastating pain. Just like a wave, it continues to erode away at my core. I try to remember the good and happy memories, but right now the bad overpowers the good. Photos help remind me of the good. Friends have been uplifting. Even strangers have added light to this very, very dark place. Then the dark invades. It is said, "Time heals all wounds." Bullshit!!! This is one wound all the time in the world will not heal completely. I agree it'll get better. It will never go away. as I speak to other mother's who have lost children, I realize there is an empty spot within me that will never be filled.

This last year has been filled with negative events and recently I said, "What else could happen?" At this point, only the good would surprise me. I want peace. I want calm. I want an uncomplicated life. I'm tired to my core. I need something to uplift me and take me away from the waves of dis pare. Time, good friend, and the knowing that this will get better, keeps me going. Kinda like looking at the light at the end of the tunnel.

Best advice I've gotten so far is when people say something that is asinine to speak up and tell them, "You're not helping with that comment." In other words, take back control of a situation that's out of control.