Me, Myself, I

I think after close to 66 years, I know myself.  First I know I'm 'when life hands you lemons, then make lemonade' type person.  In most situations there are lessons to be learned.  Sometimes I have to think hard and dig deep to try to figure those lessons out and if not the lesson at least, the why which could lead to deeper understanding.  I'm still pondering with a couple, but eventually I will come to either the lesson or the why.  

The last few days have been difficult with missing Sharon and it's been her birthday week.  Last year the kids went to Disneyland and the day passed quietly for me.  This year was very solemn and tearful.  Most times when I'm in a stressful situation, I keep busy.  Oops! Forgot to this time. I wish I could curl up in someone's lap and just be a little girl again.  When my dad did that I felt loved and protected.  But he left, too.

Tomorrow I again go on my quest for happiness...

Pondering!

As I ponder over what will make me happy because happiness is my quest in life recently, I've discovered a few things.  First, I need to take inventory of things that really make me happy.  I know I enjoy making others feel good and I enjoy helping others.  Second, I have a large amount of friends and enjoy being around people. I've never been able to open up my home the way I would like to because of Louie.  When I entertained he'd go hide some place and be anti-social and I'd feel guilty.  Third, I really enjoy getting my home and yard into order both with cleaning and decorating.  These thoughts are perhaps my path back to happiness.  Of course I've already had some detours, but life is full of detours for me and I almost expect them to pop up.  At Christmas I made an attempt to be happy and for a while it was working then a detour.  So, now it's time to get over the detour and get back on the road.  Hopefully, I learned something from the detour.  I'm still looking for the why and that piece of the puzzle is missing.  Another thing to ponder over.

A Little freedom

Today was a day that allowed me a little freedom.  I spent part of the day with friends from work and it was very relaxing and I felt more like the normal me.  Sitting around in Heidi's living room chatting, doing paper crafts and laughing at the normal things in life was refreshing.  I needed a day with the girls away from the drama at home to laugh and be myself... carefree and happy!  What a delightful day!

Ghosts

Recently, I discovered I live with ghosts.  Not dead people, but live people that will not participate with the living.  First, there's Louie who is now sometimes sleeping between 18-20 hours a day.  I know he's depressed and he also has dementia.  It could be either condition that's causing the extensive sleep patterns.  When he is awake he rarely communicates.  He's always been a quiet person, but now it's even worse. Perhaps, it's his confusion that's keeping him from speaking.  He has difficulty putting thoughts together.  Some days he's really clear and I wonder if I didn't imagine the foggy days.  Lately the foggy days have overshadowed the clear days.

Then there's the other ghost, Miss Becky.  Rarely does she come out of her room for more than a few minutes at a time, she hides from people.  Lately, she's given me hope that she's on the road to recovery.  This week she revised her resume to use to job hunt and started to get her work clothes in order.  At last, she seems to be trying get a job and socialize again.  Hopefully, this isn't another false start and she'll become the daughter and best friend I used to have, but lost 4 years ago.

My next step has to be to make this house a happier place.  Next week is Spring Break and Austin will be home, it's time for change.  Everyone needs a happier home without so many ghosts!

Busy

Good day!  I find if I keep busy, I have less time to focus on the negative. All morning I was running from one store to another, came home took care of Louie then I was off again.  Thank God for Sharon!  A good friend who will drop everything to go shopping.  Being able to laugh at little things and not worrying that I'd offend her just feels wonderful.  Our friendship is over 30 years old and we have experienced both the best and worst of times.  I don't think a sister could be closer.Finally I had to return home to unpack the car and tend to Louie again. After dinner I needed my exercise, so Sharon and I hit the streets for a walk and talk.  Now the house is quiet with Louie in bed, Austin doing homework and Becky watching TV in her room.  Time to relax!

Tomorrow it's a day to stay at home.  At least I hope it is...

Seventeen months...

3/11/13, seventeen months from 10/11/11 and still Sharon's suicide haunts me.  Hardest of all is not saying good-bye and not knowing truly why.  A mother is suppose to fix wrongs and make her children strong.  Did I fail?  The day before her death she called crying, saying she was out of money and thought she'd lose the house.  We chatted for about an hour which was unusual because she wasn't a phone person.  When we ended the conversation she seemed in better spirits.  Little did I know that less than 24 hours later she would be dead.  I did tell her I loved her and if she lost the house she always had a home with me, but it wasn't enough.  Would anything have been enough to change the events of that fateful day?  Grief is strange because I can now go for long periods of time and be somewhat happy, but occasionally the dark clouds drift in.  Today a friend emailed me about a suicide in her family recently and all the horrific memories came rushing back.   Will I ever be truly happy ever again or am I always going to feel incomplete?  Of course Louie's illness doesn't help the situation, but I've had time to accept his death. When the day comes for him to leave this earth I know he'll be glad to finally be at peace.  No one's death has affected me as much as Sharon's.  I'm not sure if it is because she's my daughter, because it was suicide, or both.  I want to be happy, to be myself, and feel complete again.

Tomorrow I have to make an effort to be happy again!

Again Chaos Reigns!

Another fall!  Yesterday Louie fell again, he just went down with his right leg crumpling beneath him.  Tomorrow he says he wants to go to the hospital for an x-ray.  Where's the end of this drama?  I want to live peacefully, no drama just a dull day by day normal life.  I want to garden, quilt, do other crafts, and watch my garden grow!  And when people say, "Mary, Mary quite contrary, how does your garden grow?" I'll be able to tell them.

For years, I had a normal, happy life then all of a sudden everything started spinning out of control.  I enjoyed vacations and the freedom of not having small children.  Even work was enjoyable, I loved teaching.  Suddenly it all came to an end and the events have left me with scars.  As  look at recent events in my life, the chaos continues.

Austin will soon be off to college, hopefully Becky will find a job and move into her own apartment, and Louie is an unknown, whether he stays home or goes into a nursing home.  With these changes perhaps I can again live peacefully. 

All  want is happy!