Thanksgiving is behind us. It was the first holiday since Sharon's death. When Becky drove up to my house she saw Liz's car & Sharon's car, then she realized that Sharon wasn't here. It brought tears to her eyes and an ache in her heart. I know how these events can just trigger a person's emotions. Two days before Thanksgiving waves of sadness would wash over me. I think these holidays are going to be very challenging. I didn't think I needed to see a therapist, but the last few days have proven me wrong.
Christmas is quickly approaching. I thought perhaps we wouldn't make our usual trek out to the Christmas tree farm to cut down our tree, but Austin was adament about continuing our tradition. So I decided that we'll make this the best Christmas ever. First item on the agenda is decorating the house both inside and out. Next is attending Christmas programs and parties. Finally, Christmas baking and sharing with neigbors. Of course there's always shopping. WATCH OUT: Liz and Austin, Christmas will be festive this year!
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Letter to Sharon
Dearest Sharon,
It was time, you had to leave, but I wasn't ready or would I ever be ready for your leaving. As I speak to your friends I hear them say you knew you would die young. From the time of your birth I also felt this and was told it was because I chose for you to be my last child. I didn't believe it then and now more than ever do not believe that.
Yes, it's hard to lose a child, but in some ways yoy've made it easier for me. You left me Austin, another love of my life. Also you left Pepper and Poppy who just want to be loved and fed...LOL. THEN, there's this financial mess that keeps me busy until I can heal a little better and perhaps cope with your death. Lastly there's John and I know you loved him, but I blame him for the loss of your spirit. Sorry, but I blame him, not for your death, but for leading you into drug use. You depended on him to give you support and when you needed it, he let you down. He didn't love you the way you needed and should have been loved.
My darling daughter, I wish you peace and the love you've always have seeked. I will take care of the things you've loved (less John) and will miss you for the rest of my life. Even in the short month you've been gone I've reached for the phone many times to talk with you. I miss the hugs you always gave me. I miss YOU! Yes, you were grown up, but you'll always be my baby girl...
LOVE,
Mommy
Monday, November 7, 2011
Four weeks since...
Four weeks since Sharon's death and I'm still perplexed and wondering. The more I delve into her papers and journals the more I don't understand. Of course I'll probably never know all of it since John threw so much away. Comments like "what is he hiding?", keeps running through my thoughts. This was said by quite a few people and I wonder. She was in extreme financial difficulties and perhaps afraid her addiction would land her in jail. I'm sure she was worrying about letting everyone down. After taking drugs the day before I'm sure she wasn't thinking with a clear mind. Yes, drugs ultimately killed her, but many things lead up to her using again.
As I review her life I can only come to one conclusion. She seemed happy when she was in nursing school. During her last years at SDSU she met John. He was getting a divorce and eventually they ended up together. He has a strong arrogant personality and Sharon thought he was her knight in shining armor. I never liked him, but did tolerate him because of my daughter. There was an argument between John and I that made be realize how controlling he was and he expected everyone to bow to his wishes. He then started dividing Sharon from her friends and family. They found a house in Chula Vista and Sharon told me that John didn't like coming home to find her friends or family over. Then he had an idea to move to Texas to make his fortune. He bought Sharon an engagement ring, promised to marry her, and also promised that if she didn't like Texas they would move back after a year. Both promises were broken and I believe this was the start of Sharon's decline. One Thanksgiving Louie and I drove to Texas, I discovered a few things I was uncomfortable with. First, John treated Austin as a slave, telling him to do many things and expecting Austin to jump to it. Louie has always expected the kids to do chores, but even he commented to me about the treatment. Next, both Sharon and John were constantly drinking. Another thing that concerned me were bottles of prescription drugs with other peoples name were in the kitchen cabinet. I asked Sharon if everything was okay and she said she was just lonely and wanted to come home. She said they would come home soon...it didn't happen until 3 years later. I never knew that in those 3 years, Sharon started using drugs and had 2 suicide attempts. Finally she came home!
After coming home she stayed with us for a few weeks without John because he was selling the house, etc., etc. Then he came back and they all lived with us which didn't last long. Of course, John had to sleep on the couch instead of in the bed. The couches were new and he treated everything with a lack of respect. Finally, they moved out under less than pleasant circumstances.
They found a house in Chula Vista and all seemed okay. It took John a long time to go back to work, but Sharon found a job quickly. She changed jobs about 3 times before she starting working at a local university hospital. I received a call one evening from John saying Sharon tried to commit suicide and the paramedics were at the house. Sharon was caught at work stealing drugs and John told her if she was using one more time , it was over between them, thus the suicide attempt. Upon arriving I found Sharon in the back of an ambulance being fed charcoal and then she was transported to a local hospital. we all went to the ER. During the time I visited her she took a seizure. She turned bright red and her whole body stiffened. I was rushed out of ER and she had a breathing tube inserted and spent the next few days in ICU. Then she was admitted to a psychic unit and stayed for a while. John refused to go to counseling with Sharon because he thought he knew all about her problems. After coming out of the center, Sharon continued seeing a therapist and decided to go to a drug rehab. Again John let Sharon down. He refused to go to groups and left to start a business in Arizona. He left Liz to care for the boys and shortly afterwards Sharon's dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor. And if this wasn't enough on Sharon's shoulders then a letter from the DA came charging her with 11 felony counts for stealing drugs. Still John stayed in Arizona leaving her to deal with so much!
Sharon went to court and faced the charges and they were reduced to 3 felonies. If she could stay clean for 6 months to a year then she could have the charges reduced to a misdemeanor. Still John stayed in Arizona. Because Sharon couldn't find a job I offered to pay her to care for her dad until I finished out the school year. What a wonderful job she did with her dad!!!
June came and John came home for Jackson's promotion from 8th grade. To Sharon's disappointment he only stayed overnight and left immediately after the ceremony. She was deeply hurt! During the next few months she had some periods of using again. At one point she tried to administer drugs interveniuosly and ended up with a major infection. Another trip to the hospital, surgery, and months of doctor appointments. Money became tight and she was living off of credit cards. Finally I think she realized that her relationship with John was over. She couldn't find a job, she was going to school and all the stresses were piling up.
The day before she died, she called me crying. We spoke for about 45 minutes and I tried to help her solve some of the difficulties she was experiencing. I asked her to come over because I couldn't leave Louie, but she refused. Later that day, Liz came home to find Sharon high and she argued with her. The next day Sharon was dead...
As I review her life I can only come to one conclusion. She seemed happy when she was in nursing school. During her last years at SDSU she met John. He was getting a divorce and eventually they ended up together. He has a strong arrogant personality and Sharon thought he was her knight in shining armor. I never liked him, but did tolerate him because of my daughter. There was an argument between John and I that made be realize how controlling he was and he expected everyone to bow to his wishes. He then started dividing Sharon from her friends and family. They found a house in Chula Vista and Sharon told me that John didn't like coming home to find her friends or family over. Then he had an idea to move to Texas to make his fortune. He bought Sharon an engagement ring, promised to marry her, and also promised that if she didn't like Texas they would move back after a year. Both promises were broken and I believe this was the start of Sharon's decline. One Thanksgiving Louie and I drove to Texas, I discovered a few things I was uncomfortable with. First, John treated Austin as a slave, telling him to do many things and expecting Austin to jump to it. Louie has always expected the kids to do chores, but even he commented to me about the treatment. Next, both Sharon and John were constantly drinking. Another thing that concerned me were bottles of prescription drugs with other peoples name were in the kitchen cabinet. I asked Sharon if everything was okay and she said she was just lonely and wanted to come home. She said they would come home soon...it didn't happen until 3 years later. I never knew that in those 3 years, Sharon started using drugs and had 2 suicide attempts. Finally she came home!
After coming home she stayed with us for a few weeks without John because he was selling the house, etc., etc. Then he came back and they all lived with us which didn't last long. Of course, John had to sleep on the couch instead of in the bed. The couches were new and he treated everything with a lack of respect. Finally, they moved out under less than pleasant circumstances.
They found a house in Chula Vista and all seemed okay. It took John a long time to go back to work, but Sharon found a job quickly. She changed jobs about 3 times before she starting working at a local university hospital. I received a call one evening from John saying Sharon tried to commit suicide and the paramedics were at the house. Sharon was caught at work stealing drugs and John told her if she was using one more time , it was over between them, thus the suicide attempt. Upon arriving I found Sharon in the back of an ambulance being fed charcoal and then she was transported to a local hospital. we all went to the ER. During the time I visited her she took a seizure. She turned bright red and her whole body stiffened. I was rushed out of ER and she had a breathing tube inserted and spent the next few days in ICU. Then she was admitted to a psychic unit and stayed for a while. John refused to go to counseling with Sharon because he thought he knew all about her problems. After coming out of the center, Sharon continued seeing a therapist and decided to go to a drug rehab. Again John let Sharon down. He refused to go to groups and left to start a business in Arizona. He left Liz to care for the boys and shortly afterwards Sharon's dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor. And if this wasn't enough on Sharon's shoulders then a letter from the DA came charging her with 11 felony counts for stealing drugs. Still John stayed in Arizona leaving her to deal with so much!
Sharon went to court and faced the charges and they were reduced to 3 felonies. If she could stay clean for 6 months to a year then she could have the charges reduced to a misdemeanor. Still John stayed in Arizona. Because Sharon couldn't find a job I offered to pay her to care for her dad until I finished out the school year. What a wonderful job she did with her dad!!!
June came and John came home for Jackson's promotion from 8th grade. To Sharon's disappointment he only stayed overnight and left immediately after the ceremony. She was deeply hurt! During the next few months she had some periods of using again. At one point she tried to administer drugs interveniuosly and ended up with a major infection. Another trip to the hospital, surgery, and months of doctor appointments. Money became tight and she was living off of credit cards. Finally I think she realized that her relationship with John was over. She couldn't find a job, she was going to school and all the stresses were piling up.
The day before she died, she called me crying. We spoke for about 45 minutes and I tried to help her solve some of the difficulties she was experiencing. I asked her to come over because I couldn't leave Louie, but she refused. Later that day, Liz came home to find Sharon high and she argued with her. The next day Sharon was dead...
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