What Am I Doing?

Yesterday, was a frustrating day and this morning I woke up with a big Aha! I've known this, but haven't internalized it until now. I'm living with a family of depressed people!

As a child my mother was depressed. One thing I will always remember is that she was looking for a rich relative and wanted to be something she wasn't. A story she told was she was related to the Hershey family (the chocolate empire),which was an untruth. Her aunt married a Hershey, but not the same family, as far as, I've determined.

Then there's Louie, the center of our immediate family. Since retiring, he has isolated himself more and more. One recent comment was that no one liked him and he slowed everyone down. Perhaps this is an age thing, but as I remember back, he has always felt inadequate. For many years he drank and it could be to mask these feelings. I wonder if he didn't pass these traits off to his daughters, either environmentally or genetically??? Another point to ponder.

Next is Becky. Her eating disorder, alcoholism, and drug use has all been overshadowed with depression. Not sure which came first the depression or the addiction. It's much like the old story of the chicken and the egg. Finally, the alcholism and the drug use is in the background for the time being and the eating disorder is more controlled. Of course, I wouldn't be surprised if another addiction pops up. Beck does have a diagnose of bipolar, which I'm not sure about, that can contribute to the many other possible addictions and out of control behaviors.

Finally, there's Sharon and her drug use. As a teen she was into drugs, but she cleaned herself up when she became pregnant for Austin. For many years, she was clean. Meeting John was her downfall. John was also addicted to drugs as a younger person and he has a very condecending type personality. Sharon lost herself in their relationship and I feel John has some responsibility in Sharon's present addictive behaviors. When I visited them in Texas, there were drugs in a common cabinet. John was aware of these drugs and perhaps he was even indulging??? Sharon hasn't been happy for many years, but finally in rehab she seems to be finding herself. Unfortunatly, she'll be facing drug charges. The outcome could be devastating.

I wonder if there are connections that tie this all together. More ideas to ponder and wonder about. Another pondering is "What the hell am I doing here?". I'm a half full cup person and I'm surrounded by unpleasantness. Thank god for my friends who are mostly upbeat people. They keep me sane and able to meet the challenges I'm facing. I'm sure they think they're not doing much, but they truly are my rocks.

2011...Not what I thought it would be

2011 has begun, but not what I thought it would bring. Early January brought the diagnosis that Louie had a brain tumor. That in it self floored me, never would I have thought I'd face something like that. I always thought that diabetes would take his life, but reality tells me it may not be the case. Surgery has been postponed once and it looms in the near future. As I watch Louie deteriorating everyday my heart is being pulled out of my chest. Then when I think of the surgery, I think "will he survive". There is no easy answer, I have to put it in God's hands. Living each day feeling like doom is following you is pure hell. I can almost laugh at people whose largest problem is what to wear. I don't say "why me", because I don't want to know. I'm a strong woman and I'll make it through this hard journey. Also I know others have endured similar circumstances and they now are stronger and wiser. My fears are enormous and my mind cannot be shut down. I escape to work which may seem strange to some people, but being with 31 children doesn't give a person time to think about their problems. also I escape into reading which is getting harder to do. After this journey I'll need to sit down and re-evaluate my life and my goals. I will not say it can't get worse because it can, but it will not be forever!