Cathedral

Nature is my cathedral,
My place of worship. 

A place of spiritual delight.
A place of serenity.
A place of comfort and joy.
A place of self examination.

A place to release stress.
A place to dream and hope.
A place to remember and reminisce.
A place to cry.
A place to smile.
A place to play.

Nature a place of renewal of my soul,

My cathedral.

Gettin' Easier

As the days, weeks, months pass it begins to get easier. I'm not sure if it's shell shock or true healing. Some days the bad or sad memories invade my thoughts and it's a tough day. Most days, especially when I'm busy and engaged with every day life, the thoughts are mild or happy memories. The hardest days are holidays. Our family is small, but always together for major holidays. Since Sharon's death there's a missing part. Perhaps after we've gone through all the holidays once, the second go around will be easier. At least there's some respite from the doom and gloom. Liz and Austin seem to be doing well for what they've had to endure. There are more trials coming, but we'll survive. No other choice is available so life has to go on.

Resentment

Today I resent all I have been made to go through. No I'm not angry just because that would take too much energy. What I don't understand is how people go through life doing things and they don't seem to realize that what you do impacts more than just yourself. Louie for years drank to excess and in his later years developed diabetes. Hence, that has affected the whole family. His brain tumor, who knows what has caused that, but I wouldn't doubt his previous lifestyle to have had some influence. The brain tumor has had dramatic changes to everyone, but besides Louie I have given up so much to care for him, a job I loved, my freedom and everyday peace of mind. Then there's Sharon...OMG, I never knew anything could be so emotionally devastating. What the hell was she thinking? Next comes Becky...her eating disorder has torn her apart. Not only is it physically destroying her health but mentally her cognitive reasoning is less than normal. Last but not least, there's Brian. He seems to be in his own LaLa land. Not sure if he's just protecting himself or just being a jerk. Don't know where this is going but my outlook is dismal. My one bright spot is my grandkids...they are wonderful at the moment. Being the person I am, I have high hope that everything will change...Feels good to get that off my chest!

Full Moon

Never again will I look at the full moon with innocent eyes again or relish the wonder of it. Four months ago I observed the full moon with tears of loss. My precious daughter had decided to end her life. Upon finishing talking with the police, medical examiner, and a plethra of others, I walk outside to look up at the full moon. Each full moon since has reminded me of the events of that night and I say "I love you, Sharon" as I stare at it's shining splendor of light. It still amazes me how someone with so much to live for could have so much pain to give up on life. She, like the full moon, seemed to shine with splendor. In my heart I know nothing can change that moment when she decided to end the pain, but it still hurts unbearably. I keep hearing the words, "Time heals", but in some ways it becomes more difficult. Lonliness, loss becomes sharper, even though it's less often. Perhaps the next full moon will arrive with less painful thoughts. I read that the emotionally painful experiences that a person encounters helps to clear their soul for their entrance into heaven. What a beautiful thought!

Hindsight & Foresight

Hindsight is reflection of events that happened and hopefully learning from them. Foresight is having intuition to events before they happen or just plain "dumb luck" to do the right thing. Sometimes hindsight will just paralyze your life if you let it. Looking back at events and learning from them is constructive, but getting stuck in these reflections is destructive. Knowing the difference is the challenge. Kinda like playing poker, when to hold and when to fold. Another of life's little lessons. Some say age is wisdom but I thinks life's experiences are wisdom if you let them be. The events of the past year have been the toughest of my life and the most challenging, but probably have taught me the most also. Life is a journey with sometimes having foresight, using hindsight, and at times knowing when to fold. Knowing when to throw up your hands and say "shit happens", I can't change destiny, I have to accept it. I have to live the best I can and be as happy as possible until the next event, hoping it's good.

Beginnings

The new year has begun and my hopes are high for an improved year. Austin has settled into our household comfortably. I guess this has always been his home in a way. He lived here the first few years of his life and came back during breaks from school and for vacations. I've always wanted a home that my children always knew would be waiting for them not matter the circumstances of their return and I think I've achieved that goal. Liz is still hoping for a teaching job and working hard subbing. Becky is still dealing with her eating disorder and I can only pray that this year she'll find dominance over the "beast". Brian is teaching 5th grade and now has aquired 2 Ragdoll cats. Never did I see him as a cat person, this is a surprise...LOL. Then there's Louie and I fear he'll not be with us for long. Not only do I see a decline in his health, but also his will to live has disappeared. He's taken Sharon's death so hard and he just wants to go to her. They've always have had a special connection and his heart is broken over what has transpired.

Yes, our family has a few more trials to endure in the next year, but the tragedies from 2011 are beginning to heal and we are strong! Perhaps there is a lesson in all this chaos...If there is, I am not able to figure it out at this time. Maybe one day I'll have a big A-ha, but not today.

No plans have been made for the coming year. I feel like I need to drift for a while and let life just happen. It will anyway. 2012 has been predicted to be the end and in someways, it has been. But with an end does a beginning follow? Yes, I believe it does. With the end of childhood comes the beginning of adulthood. With the end of Winter comes Spring. So, when one chapter ends in your life and then the next chapter begins.

HERE'S TO THE BEGINNING OF THE NEXT CHAPTER!

After Thanksgiving, Before Christmas

Thanksgiving is behind us. It was the first holiday since Sharon's death. When Becky drove up to my house she saw Liz's car & Sharon's car, then she realized that Sharon wasn't here. It brought tears to her eyes and an ache in her heart. I know how these events can just trigger a person's emotions. Two days before Thanksgiving waves of sadness would wash over me. I think these holidays are going to be very challenging. I didn't think I needed to see a therapist, but the last few days have proven me wrong.

Christmas is quickly approaching. I thought perhaps we wouldn't make our usual trek out to the Christmas tree farm to cut down our tree, but Austin was adament about continuing our tradition. So I decided that we'll make this the best Christmas ever. First item on the agenda is decorating the house both inside and out. Next is attending Christmas programs and parties. Finally, Christmas baking and sharing with neigbors. Of course there's always shopping. WATCH OUT: Liz and Austin, Christmas will be festive this year!