Saturday, January 28, 2012
Hindsight & Foresight
Hindsight is reflection of events that happened and hopefully learning from them. Foresight is having intuition to events before they happen or just plain "dumb luck" to do the right thing. Sometimes hindsight will just paralyze your life if you let it. Looking back at events and learning from them is constructive, but getting stuck in these reflections is destructive. Knowing the difference is the challenge. Kinda like playing poker, when to hold and when to fold. Another of life's little lessons. Some say age is wisdom but I thinks life's experiences are wisdom if you let them be.
The events of the past year have been the toughest of my life and the most challenging, but probably have taught me the most also. Life is a journey with sometimes having foresight, using hindsight, and at times knowing when to fold. Knowing when to throw up your hands and say "shit happens", I can't change destiny, I have to accept it. I have to live the best I can and be as happy as possible until the next event, hoping it's good.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Beginnings
The new year has begun and my hopes are high for an improved year. Austin has settled into our household comfortably. I guess this has always been his home in a way. He lived here the first few years of his life and came back during breaks from school and for vacations. I've always wanted a home that my children always knew would be waiting for them not matter the circumstances of their return and I think I've achieved that goal. Liz is still hoping for a teaching job and working hard subbing. Becky is still dealing with her eating disorder and I can only pray that this year she'll find dominance over the "beast". Brian is teaching 5th grade and now has aquired 2 Ragdoll cats. Never did I see him as a cat person, this is a surprise...LOL. Then there's Louie and I fear he'll not be with us for long. Not only do I see a decline in his health, but also his will to live has disappeared. He's taken Sharon's death so hard and he just wants to go to her. They've always have had a special connection and his heart is broken over what has transpired.
Yes, our family has a few more trials to endure in the next year, but the tragedies from 2011 are beginning to heal and we are strong! Perhaps there is a lesson in all this chaos...If there is, I am not able to figure it out at this time. Maybe one day I'll have a big A-ha, but not today.
No plans have been made for the coming year. I feel like I need to drift for a while and let life just happen. It will anyway. 2012 has been predicted to be the end and in someways, it has been. But with an end does a beginning follow? Yes, I believe it does. With the end of childhood comes the beginning of adulthood. With the end of Winter comes Spring. So, when one chapter ends in your life and then the next chapter begins.
HERE'S TO THE BEGINNING OF THE NEXT CHAPTER!
Yes, our family has a few more trials to endure in the next year, but the tragedies from 2011 are beginning to heal and we are strong! Perhaps there is a lesson in all this chaos...If there is, I am not able to figure it out at this time. Maybe one day I'll have a big A-ha, but not today.
No plans have been made for the coming year. I feel like I need to drift for a while and let life just happen. It will anyway. 2012 has been predicted to be the end and in someways, it has been. But with an end does a beginning follow? Yes, I believe it does. With the end of childhood comes the beginning of adulthood. With the end of Winter comes Spring. So, when one chapter ends in your life and then the next chapter begins.
HERE'S TO THE BEGINNING OF THE NEXT CHAPTER!
Saturday, November 26, 2011
After Thanksgiving, Before Christmas
Thanksgiving is behind us. It was the first holiday since Sharon's death. When Becky drove up to my house she saw Liz's car & Sharon's car, then she realized that Sharon wasn't here. It brought tears to her eyes and an ache in her heart. I know how these events can just trigger a person's emotions. Two days before Thanksgiving waves of sadness would wash over me. I think these holidays are going to be very challenging. I didn't think I needed to see a therapist, but the last few days have proven me wrong.
Christmas is quickly approaching. I thought perhaps we wouldn't make our usual trek out to the Christmas tree farm to cut down our tree, but Austin was adament about continuing our tradition. So I decided that we'll make this the best Christmas ever. First item on the agenda is decorating the house both inside and out. Next is attending Christmas programs and parties. Finally, Christmas baking and sharing with neigbors. Of course there's always shopping. WATCH OUT: Liz and Austin, Christmas will be festive this year!
Christmas is quickly approaching. I thought perhaps we wouldn't make our usual trek out to the Christmas tree farm to cut down our tree, but Austin was adament about continuing our tradition. So I decided that we'll make this the best Christmas ever. First item on the agenda is decorating the house both inside and out. Next is attending Christmas programs and parties. Finally, Christmas baking and sharing with neigbors. Of course there's always shopping. WATCH OUT: Liz and Austin, Christmas will be festive this year!
Monday, November 14, 2011
Letter to Sharon
Dearest Sharon,
It was time, you had to leave, but I wasn't ready or would I ever be ready for your leaving. As I speak to your friends I hear them say you knew you would die young. From the time of your birth I also felt this and was told it was because I chose for you to be my last child. I didn't believe it then and now more than ever do not believe that.
Yes, it's hard to lose a child, but in some ways yoy've made it easier for me. You left me Austin, another love of my life. Also you left Pepper and Poppy who just want to be loved and fed...LOL. THEN, there's this financial mess that keeps me busy until I can heal a little better and perhaps cope with your death. Lastly there's John and I know you loved him, but I blame him for the loss of your spirit. Sorry, but I blame him, not for your death, but for leading you into drug use. You depended on him to give you support and when you needed it, he let you down. He didn't love you the way you needed and should have been loved.
My darling daughter, I wish you peace and the love you've always have seeked. I will take care of the things you've loved (less John) and will miss you for the rest of my life. Even in the short month you've been gone I've reached for the phone many times to talk with you. I miss the hugs you always gave me. I miss YOU! Yes, you were grown up, but you'll always be my baby girl...
LOVE,
Mommy
Monday, November 7, 2011
Four weeks since...
Four weeks since Sharon's death and I'm still perplexed and wondering. The more I delve into her papers and journals the more I don't understand. Of course I'll probably never know all of it since John threw so much away. Comments like "what is he hiding?", keeps running through my thoughts. This was said by quite a few people and I wonder. She was in extreme financial difficulties and perhaps afraid her addiction would land her in jail. I'm sure she was worrying about letting everyone down. After taking drugs the day before I'm sure she wasn't thinking with a clear mind. Yes, drugs ultimately killed her, but many things lead up to her using again.
As I review her life I can only come to one conclusion. She seemed happy when she was in nursing school. During her last years at SDSU she met John. He was getting a divorce and eventually they ended up together. He has a strong arrogant personality and Sharon thought he was her knight in shining armor. I never liked him, but did tolerate him because of my daughter. There was an argument between John and I that made be realize how controlling he was and he expected everyone to bow to his wishes. He then started dividing Sharon from her friends and family. They found a house in Chula Vista and Sharon told me that John didn't like coming home to find her friends or family over. Then he had an idea to move to Texas to make his fortune. He bought Sharon an engagement ring, promised to marry her, and also promised that if she didn't like Texas they would move back after a year. Both promises were broken and I believe this was the start of Sharon's decline. One Thanksgiving Louie and I drove to Texas, I discovered a few things I was uncomfortable with. First, John treated Austin as a slave, telling him to do many things and expecting Austin to jump to it. Louie has always expected the kids to do chores, but even he commented to me about the treatment. Next, both Sharon and John were constantly drinking. Another thing that concerned me were bottles of prescription drugs with other peoples name were in the kitchen cabinet. I asked Sharon if everything was okay and she said she was just lonely and wanted to come home. She said they would come home soon...it didn't happen until 3 years later. I never knew that in those 3 years, Sharon started using drugs and had 2 suicide attempts. Finally she came home!
After coming home she stayed with us for a few weeks without John because he was selling the house, etc., etc. Then he came back and they all lived with us which didn't last long. Of course, John had to sleep on the couch instead of in the bed. The couches were new and he treated everything with a lack of respect. Finally, they moved out under less than pleasant circumstances.
They found a house in Chula Vista and all seemed okay. It took John a long time to go back to work, but Sharon found a job quickly. She changed jobs about 3 times before she starting working at a local university hospital. I received a call one evening from John saying Sharon tried to commit suicide and the paramedics were at the house. Sharon was caught at work stealing drugs and John told her if she was using one more time , it was over between them, thus the suicide attempt. Upon arriving I found Sharon in the back of an ambulance being fed charcoal and then she was transported to a local hospital. we all went to the ER. During the time I visited her she took a seizure. She turned bright red and her whole body stiffened. I was rushed out of ER and she had a breathing tube inserted and spent the next few days in ICU. Then she was admitted to a psychic unit and stayed for a while. John refused to go to counseling with Sharon because he thought he knew all about her problems. After coming out of the center, Sharon continued seeing a therapist and decided to go to a drug rehab. Again John let Sharon down. He refused to go to groups and left to start a business in Arizona. He left Liz to care for the boys and shortly afterwards Sharon's dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor. And if this wasn't enough on Sharon's shoulders then a letter from the DA came charging her with 11 felony counts for stealing drugs. Still John stayed in Arizona leaving her to deal with so much!
Sharon went to court and faced the charges and they were reduced to 3 felonies. If she could stay clean for 6 months to a year then she could have the charges reduced to a misdemeanor. Still John stayed in Arizona. Because Sharon couldn't find a job I offered to pay her to care for her dad until I finished out the school year. What a wonderful job she did with her dad!!!
June came and John came home for Jackson's promotion from 8th grade. To Sharon's disappointment he only stayed overnight and left immediately after the ceremony. She was deeply hurt! During the next few months she had some periods of using again. At one point she tried to administer drugs interveniuosly and ended up with a major infection. Another trip to the hospital, surgery, and months of doctor appointments. Money became tight and she was living off of credit cards. Finally I think she realized that her relationship with John was over. She couldn't find a job, she was going to school and all the stresses were piling up.
The day before she died, she called me crying. We spoke for about 45 minutes and I tried to help her solve some of the difficulties she was experiencing. I asked her to come over because I couldn't leave Louie, but she refused. Later that day, Liz came home to find Sharon high and she argued with her. The next day Sharon was dead...
As I review her life I can only come to one conclusion. She seemed happy when she was in nursing school. During her last years at SDSU she met John. He was getting a divorce and eventually they ended up together. He has a strong arrogant personality and Sharon thought he was her knight in shining armor. I never liked him, but did tolerate him because of my daughter. There was an argument between John and I that made be realize how controlling he was and he expected everyone to bow to his wishes. He then started dividing Sharon from her friends and family. They found a house in Chula Vista and Sharon told me that John didn't like coming home to find her friends or family over. Then he had an idea to move to Texas to make his fortune. He bought Sharon an engagement ring, promised to marry her, and also promised that if she didn't like Texas they would move back after a year. Both promises were broken and I believe this was the start of Sharon's decline. One Thanksgiving Louie and I drove to Texas, I discovered a few things I was uncomfortable with. First, John treated Austin as a slave, telling him to do many things and expecting Austin to jump to it. Louie has always expected the kids to do chores, but even he commented to me about the treatment. Next, both Sharon and John were constantly drinking. Another thing that concerned me were bottles of prescription drugs with other peoples name were in the kitchen cabinet. I asked Sharon if everything was okay and she said she was just lonely and wanted to come home. She said they would come home soon...it didn't happen until 3 years later. I never knew that in those 3 years, Sharon started using drugs and had 2 suicide attempts. Finally she came home!
After coming home she stayed with us for a few weeks without John because he was selling the house, etc., etc. Then he came back and they all lived with us which didn't last long. Of course, John had to sleep on the couch instead of in the bed. The couches were new and he treated everything with a lack of respect. Finally, they moved out under less than pleasant circumstances.
They found a house in Chula Vista and all seemed okay. It took John a long time to go back to work, but Sharon found a job quickly. She changed jobs about 3 times before she starting working at a local university hospital. I received a call one evening from John saying Sharon tried to commit suicide and the paramedics were at the house. Sharon was caught at work stealing drugs and John told her if she was using one more time , it was over between them, thus the suicide attempt. Upon arriving I found Sharon in the back of an ambulance being fed charcoal and then she was transported to a local hospital. we all went to the ER. During the time I visited her she took a seizure. She turned bright red and her whole body stiffened. I was rushed out of ER and she had a breathing tube inserted and spent the next few days in ICU. Then she was admitted to a psychic unit and stayed for a while. John refused to go to counseling with Sharon because he thought he knew all about her problems. After coming out of the center, Sharon continued seeing a therapist and decided to go to a drug rehab. Again John let Sharon down. He refused to go to groups and left to start a business in Arizona. He left Liz to care for the boys and shortly afterwards Sharon's dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor. And if this wasn't enough on Sharon's shoulders then a letter from the DA came charging her with 11 felony counts for stealing drugs. Still John stayed in Arizona leaving her to deal with so much!
Sharon went to court and faced the charges and they were reduced to 3 felonies. If she could stay clean for 6 months to a year then she could have the charges reduced to a misdemeanor. Still John stayed in Arizona. Because Sharon couldn't find a job I offered to pay her to care for her dad until I finished out the school year. What a wonderful job she did with her dad!!!
June came and John came home for Jackson's promotion from 8th grade. To Sharon's disappointment he only stayed overnight and left immediately after the ceremony. She was deeply hurt! During the next few months she had some periods of using again. At one point she tried to administer drugs interveniuosly and ended up with a major infection. Another trip to the hospital, surgery, and months of doctor appointments. Money became tight and she was living off of credit cards. Finally I think she realized that her relationship with John was over. She couldn't find a job, she was going to school and all the stresses were piling up.
The day before she died, she called me crying. We spoke for about 45 minutes and I tried to help her solve some of the difficulties she was experiencing. I asked her to come over because I couldn't leave Louie, but she refused. Later that day, Liz came home to find Sharon high and she argued with her. The next day Sharon was dead...
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Sorry!
If you're trying to leave a comment and having problems, Liz will be working on it in a couple of days. Can't figure it out but that younger generation will just about make the computer salute...LOL
Friday, October 14, 2011
Day 3
Cannot believe it's only been 3 days, it seems like the weight of my grief has been on me so much longer. As people learn of Sharon's suicide I'm hearing many condolences and heartfelt expressions of sorrow. I have a need for people to hear my message about depression, addiction and mental illness. So many people have come forward. Oh Sharon! You were so loved and respected! I'm sure you weren't aware of that. How could you not see that! Your emotional pain was so great. Why couldn't you just hold on a little longer?
I've heard the comments about how strong I am...I'm not! What else can I do. I can only walk through these fires of hell and keep moving. Perhaps someday I'll get through this firestorm and feel more peaceful. I'm shattered! Austin and Elizabeth keep me forging ahead. Austin has been abandoned. First, by not knowing his birth father, next by losing a stepbrother, a stepfather, and finally by his mother. He's always been withdrawn and I worry. Elizabeth, even though, she's an adult has been also abandoned by people for various reasons. Most of all, her Auntie Sharon. Elizabth has been on the frontlines living with Sharon and experiencing the depression, addiction, and Sharon's life spiraling out of control. Then to add to these events, finding Sharon dead and having to give her CPR for 8 minutes until the paramedics arrived to pronounce Sharon dead. My poor babies!
I fear the next stage of this process which is the business side and legalities. Yesterday it began with having to go to the mortuary and arrange for Sharon's cremation. Lots of forms and decisions. As I sat in the conference room with Elizabeth, and my son Brian, I looked toward shelves that held urns, thinking about what they would hold. Elizabeth was softly crying and using tissues to dry her tears. After stopping her tears, she had a small mountain of tissues and wanted to throw them away. She asked if we knew where a trash can was and I told her if she couldn't find one to just put them in the urns, no one would know. Looking at me with an impish smile, she began to laugh. Even though, there's so much pain, there are moments like that which keep us moving forward. Today it's off to Social Security to see about getting benefits for Austin. I've always hated paperwork and with the grief licking at my heels it's even worse.
Next, comes the closing of accounts and transferring the ownership of property. This will get messy! John came back from Tucson and thinks he can take over since abandoning Sharon. Already he's talking about driving her car. She hated when John drove her car because he's careless with it. He backs into things and leaves all kinds of crap in it. And bottom line is he didn't marry Sharon and he has no rights. Yes, I'm bitter! When Sharon needed him most he disappeared to Tucson because he didn't want to enable her (his words). I don't believe that. He may not be the only cause of Sharon's death, but he has contributed to the causes. Why is he back now? I think it's the guilt. I want him to disappear. When I look at him it's like waving a red flag before me. My anger is just below the surface and I'm ready to release it. I want to scream, "Go the fuck away, we don't need you!"
Griefing is a process that has many stages and contains so many different emotions that are spinning out of control. One constant is the pain. It just rolls over me like the waves of the ocean crashing onto the shore. Periods of relief comes when the waves receed, but never far and always building to slam into the shore a short while later. Sometimes the tide goes out and the waves are gentle and then it's high tide the waves built with strength and intensity to knock you off your feet.
The journey I'm no is not pleasant, but something I have to endure. I'll be glad when 2011 is over. This year just continues to go from bad to worse. On New Year's I'm going to celebrate the new year and hope it begins a cycle of good events. I'm not sure how much more I can take. Now even running away is no longer possible because the events of the last year are etched about my soul. Sharon's death weighs everyone down with the "what if's" and the feeling of helplessness. Now there is nothing we can do for her, she's in the hands of a greater power. Rest in Peace my beautiful baby girl! I miss you...
I've heard the comments about how strong I am...I'm not! What else can I do. I can only walk through these fires of hell and keep moving. Perhaps someday I'll get through this firestorm and feel more peaceful. I'm shattered! Austin and Elizabeth keep me forging ahead. Austin has been abandoned. First, by not knowing his birth father, next by losing a stepbrother, a stepfather, and finally by his mother. He's always been withdrawn and I worry. Elizabeth, even though, she's an adult has been also abandoned by people for various reasons. Most of all, her Auntie Sharon. Elizabth has been on the frontlines living with Sharon and experiencing the depression, addiction, and Sharon's life spiraling out of control. Then to add to these events, finding Sharon dead and having to give her CPR for 8 minutes until the paramedics arrived to pronounce Sharon dead. My poor babies!
I fear the next stage of this process which is the business side and legalities. Yesterday it began with having to go to the mortuary and arrange for Sharon's cremation. Lots of forms and decisions. As I sat in the conference room with Elizabeth, and my son Brian, I looked toward shelves that held urns, thinking about what they would hold. Elizabeth was softly crying and using tissues to dry her tears. After stopping her tears, she had a small mountain of tissues and wanted to throw them away. She asked if we knew where a trash can was and I told her if she couldn't find one to just put them in the urns, no one would know. Looking at me with an impish smile, she began to laugh. Even though, there's so much pain, there are moments like that which keep us moving forward. Today it's off to Social Security to see about getting benefits for Austin. I've always hated paperwork and with the grief licking at my heels it's even worse.
Next, comes the closing of accounts and transferring the ownership of property. This will get messy! John came back from Tucson and thinks he can take over since abandoning Sharon. Already he's talking about driving her car. She hated when John drove her car because he's careless with it. He backs into things and leaves all kinds of crap in it. And bottom line is he didn't marry Sharon and he has no rights. Yes, I'm bitter! When Sharon needed him most he disappeared to Tucson because he didn't want to enable her (his words). I don't believe that. He may not be the only cause of Sharon's death, but he has contributed to the causes. Why is he back now? I think it's the guilt. I want him to disappear. When I look at him it's like waving a red flag before me. My anger is just below the surface and I'm ready to release it. I want to scream, "Go the fuck away, we don't need you!"
Griefing is a process that has many stages and contains so many different emotions that are spinning out of control. One constant is the pain. It just rolls over me like the waves of the ocean crashing onto the shore. Periods of relief comes when the waves receed, but never far and always building to slam into the shore a short while later. Sometimes the tide goes out and the waves are gentle and then it's high tide the waves built with strength and intensity to knock you off your feet.
The journey I'm no is not pleasant, but something I have to endure. I'll be glad when 2011 is over. This year just continues to go from bad to worse. On New Year's I'm going to celebrate the new year and hope it begins a cycle of good events. I'm not sure how much more I can take. Now even running away is no longer possible because the events of the last year are etched about my soul. Sharon's death weighs everyone down with the "what if's" and the feeling of helplessness. Now there is nothing we can do for her, she's in the hands of a greater power. Rest in Peace my beautiful baby girl! I miss you...
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