Hope at last!

What difference a day makes!  I feel like a load of bricks have been taken off me.  I almost feel like myself. Joy has returned.  I knew I was on the road back when I listened to a voice mail and was able to laugh out loud and smile until my cheeks hurt.  Friends make all the difference in the world and there's always that one special person that can massage your soul and make all right with the world.

It hit me hard that I was totally unhappy, but wasn't sure how to change it or perhaps not ready to change it.  With the holidays and a new year, it's time to change.  I can't change some situations, but I can change how I react to them.

 I hate that I'm living single without the benefits of being single and living married without the benefits of being married.  Living single means I'm responsible for everything, lawns, house repairs, etc,  If I was single then I could go out with friends when I wanted to and not feel guilty.  Living as a married person you should have a partner to share responsibilities with...Louie can not do anything that I need help with and he wants accounting of all I do and he needs care 24/7.  It's a strange place to be caught in.  Limbo!  Caught between two world...This I cannot change.

What I can change is how I feel about myself.  I no longer take care of myself the way I once did.  Haven't had a manicure in over a year and I no longer take care of my skin as I once did. And then there's my weight...UGH!  I rarely get out because I'm caring for Louie, morning to night.  My outward self can be changed by going back to past practices, hence, that should help my self image and make me happier.  a win-win situation.

OK world here I come!

Christmas 2012 and the coming year...

Another year has passed!  Last Christmas was a challenge being just a couple of months after Sharon's  death, I think the best way to describe how I felt was numb and in shock.  Looking back I remember one incident when I was in Walmart and heard the song "Blue Christmas" and ended up sobbing.  Just a few days again I again heard that song and was able to at least not embarrass myself.  Is this evidence of acceptance?  Perhaps!  So far, this holiday season is progressing better and I'm not as numb. 

For the coming year I'm in search of happiness.  I've lost the sparkle I've had for life, which is hard to explain. Everything has a small shadow cast over it and the joy of life isn't as joyful as it once was.  I want that back! I'm different and I'm not sure I like that me.  I'm quicker to get angry and I'm more critical.  It's harder to find the humor in events.

Plans for the coming year include more "ME" time.  Whatever needs to be done will be there waiting for me.  I'm isolated and I need people and time out among people.  Crafts have always been relaxing and because of space and time are now nonexistent.

So I now have challenges for the new year and a plan of action...Up and onward...LOL!

I told you so!

Found Austin curled into the fetal position crying.  At first I thought it had to do with his Mom, but then found out he screwed up big time.  For weeks I've been bugging him to finish an application to get a full ride to an Ivy League college.  Today being the last day, he finally finished it and then went to submit it online.  There was a fly in the ointment, he had to get 2 recommendations from his teachers.  It is now Friday evening at 8 PM, can't do it. So he just blew a good chance to get college money.  I can't yell at him and tell him "I told you so!"  He was already so hard on himself.  Told him he needed to think what lesson he learned from this and then discussed it.

Part of my personality is finding the good when the shit hits the fan.  Well here's my thoughts...If he can't be responsible enough to get an application in then perhaps, he needs to go to college closer where I can still mother and support him.  If he did go to a college like Columbia in NYC would he not succeed just because he's too immature.  He's very intelligent, but not as mature as he presents himself.  Maybe this small failure is good for him, to teach him a lesson in procrastination.  Now he'll have to work harder to get scholarships to go to school, which could be another lesson he needs to learn.

Am I disappointed, yes I am!  I want him to be self motivated and self confident, but I also want to support him all I can.  From past experience, I know you have to let your kids hit the speed bumps, but it's a difficult balance between supporting them when needed and letting them have to experience the consequences in life.  And I thought I was finished with raising kids.  Boy! Was I wrong! 

Dear God, please guide me in knowing the right path to take as I help Austin into manhood.

Broken

Our family is so broken!  It's hard to believe that one person's death can fracture a family so much. Everyday there's a feeling that something is missing...is it joy? completeness?  We've never been a perfect family, but we've always have had cohesiveness and that seems to be gone.  I'm not sure we'll ever be the complete again.  Perhaps it's not only Sharon's death, but in a way we've also have lost Louie and Becky is teetering at the edge of a cliff.  How does one survive?  It's living a half life.  There are moments of joy, especially when interacting with Austin.  Listening to him sharing what he did that day, teaching him to drive, going to the pet store to buy crickets for a science experiment, having him explain  a game and of course I'm clueless ever after all his work to teach me the rules...LOL.  There has to be a way back to happiness, I pray I find it soon.  It's someplace hidden beneath my broken heart. 

Ugh!

On August 2, Becky is moving in.  I've cleaned out the garage/rec room.  Can't believe the amount of crap that was stored in there.  Last thing to go will be the piano.  I'm still pissed over that, but Michelle is taking it and it smooths out my ruffled feathers a little.  She has fond memories of her and Sharon playing it.  Not sure we can get everything done, but we can only wait and see.  I'm too old to be moving...every bone in my body hurts.  Also I'm very resentful that I have to go through this yet again.  Today, life sucks, hopefully tomorrow that will change.  Perhaps I'll find something fun to do and my mood will improve.  I don't want to be around people because I don't want to bring them down.  Dear God, please help!

Too Bad...

Last night I went to The Brew House to meet with Sharon's classmates for the CPHS 20th reunion.  Meeting with her friends was bittersweet. Everyone was warm and loving, but it was a reminder that Sharon was gone forever.  She would have loved reminiscencing about times past and catching up about the present.  Seeing everyone with smiles and hearing about their memories was difficult to listen to, but it was also heartwarming. It's hard to believe Sharon's really gone and that she gave up so much to stop the pain.  Too bad she didn't see the good that would be in her future.  Just one word, Damn!

Suicide

Listened to Montel Williams this morning about his viewpoint on physician assisted suicide.  After experiencing the suicide of my daughter and listening to my husband's wishes to die I've become very firm in my beliefs on this subject and this program reinforced those beliefs.  Montel having gone through a situation that brought him to the brink of despair and has much the same feelings as I do.  I know that doctors take an oath to preserve life and sometimes are against assisted suicide.  Perhaps another type of organization needs to be set up to help people in this situation with guidelines that clearly defines the right to die.  When people are no longer able to care for themselves and have lost their dignity they need to be able to choose their destiny.  Of course, one guideline should be that the person's overall situation will not ever improve and will eventually die from their condition.  When we put an animal to sleep, it's gentle and humane.  Why shouldn't that be a critically ill person's choice whether to die or continue with the natural process of death.  The other side of the coin is the clinically depressed person.  They should not be given this option because their illness is treatable.  When my daughter died  it has almost destroyed this family.  At this time, our family is fractured.  Holidays are no longer celebrated without the feeling of someone missing, certain subjects are avoided because of the pain remembered, and each person is grieving at different levels, in different ways.  And then there's the big 'why'.  

In  closing, I do believe in assisted suicide, but with very strict guidelines.