Ugh!

On August 2, Becky is moving in.  I've cleaned out the garage/rec room.  Can't believe the amount of crap that was stored in there.  Last thing to go will be the piano.  I'm still pissed over that, but Michelle is taking it and it smooths out my ruffled feathers a little.  She has fond memories of her and Sharon playing it.  Not sure we can get everything done, but we can only wait and see.  I'm too old to be moving...every bone in my body hurts.  Also I'm very resentful that I have to go through this yet again.  Today, life sucks, hopefully tomorrow that will change.  Perhaps I'll find something fun to do and my mood will improve.  I don't want to be around people because I don't want to bring them down.  Dear God, please help!

Too Bad...

Last night I went to The Brew House to meet with Sharon's classmates for the CPHS 20th reunion.  Meeting with her friends was bittersweet. Everyone was warm and loving, but it was a reminder that Sharon was gone forever.  She would have loved reminiscencing about times past and catching up about the present.  Seeing everyone with smiles and hearing about their memories was difficult to listen to, but it was also heartwarming. It's hard to believe Sharon's really gone and that she gave up so much to stop the pain.  Too bad she didn't see the good that would be in her future.  Just one word, Damn!

Suicide

Listened to Montel Williams this morning about his viewpoint on physician assisted suicide.  After experiencing the suicide of my daughter and listening to my husband's wishes to die I've become very firm in my beliefs on this subject and this program reinforced those beliefs.  Montel having gone through a situation that brought him to the brink of despair and has much the same feelings as I do.  I know that doctors take an oath to preserve life and sometimes are against assisted suicide.  Perhaps another type of organization needs to be set up to help people in this situation with guidelines that clearly defines the right to die.  When people are no longer able to care for themselves and have lost their dignity they need to be able to choose their destiny.  Of course, one guideline should be that the person's overall situation will not ever improve and will eventually die from their condition.  When we put an animal to sleep, it's gentle and humane.  Why shouldn't that be a critically ill person's choice whether to die or continue with the natural process of death.  The other side of the coin is the clinically depressed person.  They should not be given this option because their illness is treatable.  When my daughter died  it has almost destroyed this family.  At this time, our family is fractured.  Holidays are no longer celebrated without the feeling of someone missing, certain subjects are avoided because of the pain remembered, and each person is grieving at different levels, in different ways.  And then there's the big 'why'.  

In  closing, I do believe in assisted suicide, but with very strict guidelines.

Life

Cathedral

Nature is my cathedral,
My place of worship. 

A place of spiritual delight.
A place of serenity.
A place of comfort and joy.
A place of self examination.

A place to release stress.
A place to dream and hope.
A place to remember and reminisce.
A place to cry.
A place to smile.
A place to play.

Nature a place of renewal of my soul,

My cathedral.

Gettin' Easier

As the days, weeks, months pass it begins to get easier. I'm not sure if it's shell shock or true healing. Some days the bad or sad memories invade my thoughts and it's a tough day. Most days, especially when I'm busy and engaged with every day life, the thoughts are mild or happy memories. The hardest days are holidays. Our family is small, but always together for major holidays. Since Sharon's death there's a missing part. Perhaps after we've gone through all the holidays once, the second go around will be easier. At least there's some respite from the doom and gloom. Liz and Austin seem to be doing well for what they've had to endure. There are more trials coming, but we'll survive. No other choice is available so life has to go on.

Resentment

Today I resent all I have been made to go through. No I'm not angry just because that would take too much energy. What I don't understand is how people go through life doing things and they don't seem to realize that what you do impacts more than just yourself. Louie for years drank to excess and in his later years developed diabetes. Hence, that has affected the whole family. His brain tumor, who knows what has caused that, but I wouldn't doubt his previous lifestyle to have had some influence. The brain tumor has had dramatic changes to everyone, but besides Louie I have given up so much to care for him, a job I loved, my freedom and everyday peace of mind. Then there's Sharon...OMG, I never knew anything could be so emotionally devastating. What the hell was she thinking? Next comes Becky...her eating disorder has torn her apart. Not only is it physically destroying her health but mentally her cognitive reasoning is less than normal. Last but not least, there's Brian. He seems to be in his own LaLa land. Not sure if he's just protecting himself or just being a jerk. Don't know where this is going but my outlook is dismal. My one bright spot is my grandkids...they are wonderful at the moment. Being the person I am, I have high hope that everything will change...Feels good to get that off my chest!