Day 3

Cannot believe it's only been 3 days, it seems like the weight of my grief has been on me so much longer. As people learn of Sharon's suicide I'm hearing many condolences and heartfelt expressions of sorrow. I have a need for people to hear my message about depression, addiction and mental illness. So many people have come forward. Oh Sharon! You were so loved and respected! I'm sure you weren't aware of that. How could you not see that! Your emotional pain was so great. Why couldn't you just hold on a little longer?

I've heard the comments about how strong I am...I'm not! What else can I do. I can only walk through these fires of hell and keep moving. Perhaps someday I'll get through this firestorm and feel more peaceful. I'm shattered! Austin and Elizabeth keep me forging ahead. Austin has been abandoned. First, by not knowing his birth father, next by losing a stepbrother, a stepfather, and finally by his mother. He's always been withdrawn and I worry. Elizabeth, even though, she's an adult has been also abandoned by people for various reasons. Most of all, her Auntie Sharon. Elizabth has been on the frontlines living with Sharon and experiencing the depression, addiction, and Sharon's life spiraling out of control. Then to add to these events, finding Sharon dead and having to give her CPR for 8 minutes until the paramedics arrived to pronounce Sharon dead. My poor babies!

I fear the next stage of this process which is the business side and legalities. Yesterday it began with having to go to the mortuary and arrange for Sharon's cremation. Lots of forms and decisions. As I sat in the conference room with Elizabeth, and my son Brian, I looked toward shelves that held urns, thinking about what they would hold. Elizabeth was softly crying and using tissues to dry her tears. After stopping her tears, she had a small mountain of tissues and wanted to throw them away. She asked if we knew where a trash can was and I told her if she couldn't find one to just put them in the urns, no one would know. Looking at me with an impish smile, she began to laugh. Even though, there's so much pain, there are moments like that which keep us moving forward. Today it's off to Social Security to see about getting benefits for Austin. I've always hated paperwork and with the grief licking at my heels it's even worse.

Next, comes the closing of accounts and transferring the ownership of property. This will get messy! John came back from Tucson and thinks he can take over since abandoning Sharon. Already he's talking about driving her car. She hated when John drove her car because he's careless with it. He backs into things and leaves all kinds of crap in it. And bottom line is he didn't marry Sharon and he has no rights. Yes, I'm bitter! When Sharon needed him most he disappeared to Tucson because he didn't want to enable her (his words). I don't believe that. He may not be the only cause of Sharon's death, but he has contributed to the causes. Why is he back now? I think it's the guilt. I want him to disappear. When I look at him it's like waving a red flag before me. My anger is just below the surface and I'm ready to release it. I want to scream, "Go the fuck away, we don't need you!"

Griefing is a process that has many stages and contains so many different emotions that are spinning out of control. One constant is the pain. It just rolls over me like the waves of the ocean crashing onto the shore. Periods of relief comes when the waves receed, but never far and always building to slam into the shore a short while later. Sometimes the tide goes out and the waves are gentle and then it's high tide the waves built with strength and intensity to knock you off your feet.

The journey I'm no is not pleasant, but something I have to endure. I'll be glad when 2011 is over. This year just continues to go from bad to worse. On New Year's I'm going to celebrate the new year and hope it begins a cycle of good events. I'm not sure how much more I can take. Now even running away is no longer possible because the events of the last year are etched about my soul. Sharon's death weighs everyone down with the "what if's" and the feeling of helplessness. Now there is nothing we can do for her, she's in the hands of a greater power. Rest in Peace my beautiful baby girl! I miss you...

Unbearable Pain

When a child is born there is pain. Shortly after that pain comes emotion, at least for me. After I birthed my babies and was handed that small bundle of humanity little did I know not only the joy , but also the pain that child would bring me. As I took that small bundle into my arms the overwhelming feeling of love coursed through my body. Never again would I feel the strength of the emotion until much later and in a negative way until it became pain. Yes, love hurts!

As a parent I experienced many joys as well as pain from my children. The first time my children received their shots, the first time he/ she received stitches or a cast I felt their pain and my own. Not only the physical pain, but the emotional pain I also felt. When my child came home with a tale of a friend telling them that they didn't want to be friends anymore or the times when they had heartaches from a break up. Of course the joys and wonders of growing up were also experienced.

I thought the terrible two's were bad as my children past that age, but then came their teen years and I realized I had to give them the freedom to make choices both bad and good. As they went into adulthood I watched them go into the world and become themselves. Again, some good and some bad experiences. I laughed and I cried along with them. Little did I know that the most devastating experience of my life laid just around the corner. I watched as Becky and Sharon went through stages of addiction and depression with little I could do to pave their hurts and torments. Then Sharon decided she could no longer take the pain of her life and committed suicide. In all the years on Earth little did I know what pain really was. It has gripped at my very essence, poured into my cells, and has ripped my life apart. The pain of childbirth is just a shadow of the pain I feel now. At times I can hardly breathe in a normal rhythm. Will life ever be calm and lacking turmoil?

Presently, the pain just rolls over me, much as an ocean wave crashes into the shore. It slams into me, almost knocking me down and then it gently washes away to return a short while later. It has only been less than 48 hours, but in those hours there has been so much emotion and devastating pain. Just like a wave, it continues to erode away at my core. I try to remember the good and happy memories, but right now the bad overpowers the good. Photos help remind me of the good. Friends have been uplifting. Even strangers have added light to this very, very dark place. Then the dark invades. It is said, "Time heals all wounds." Bullshit!!! This is one wound all the time in the world will not heal completely. I agree it'll get better. It will never go away. as I speak to other mother's who have lost children, I realize there is an empty spot within me that will never be filled.

This last year has been filled with negative events and recently I said, "What else could happen?" At this point, only the good would surprise me. I want peace. I want calm. I want an uncomplicated life. I'm tired to my core. I need something to uplift me and take me away from the waves of dis pare. Time, good friend, and the knowing that this will get better, keeps me going. Kinda like looking at the light at the end of the tunnel.

Best advice I've gotten so far is when people say something that is asinine to speak up and tell them, "You're not helping with that comment." In other words, take back control of a situation that's out of control.

Unbearable Pain

I Have Become My Grandmother

My Finnish grandmother used to read the obituaries every morning. One day I asked her why and she replied "To see if my friends are alive" in her strange accent. A few days ago I searched for a friend who I hadn't heard from in months only to learn he passed away a couple of weeks ago. As I reflect, I realize how fragile life is and you have to say the important things to people around you because you may never have another chance. Life changes so quickly and one needs to grab for the golden ring every time it comes into view. Another realization is the need to let go of the little annoyances and only dealing with the serious issues.

Life Goes On

As 2011 began little did I know the challenges this year would bring. Becky is still in her program and has made slow progress to getting her life back on track. It's been an uphill battle and can only pray she'll find peace one day soon. Sharon has been making great progress, but I'm almost afraid to hope. Taking care of her Dad during the day seems to have help her gain her self-esteem back. Louie is making progress in both his physical challenges and his mental. Elizabeth and Austin are both in surprisingly good places considering what their mothers have been up to. All I can say is they are extremely resilient.

Friday I had a big surprise when Louie agreed to continue seeing a therapist. Before his surgery he would have never agreed to it, so perhaps some good has come out of this situation. I believe he was depressed before the brain tumor was discovered, but he wouldn't have admitted that.

Finally I'm coming to terms with retiring. Friday was my big "AHH!" day. Went to a baby shower for my team partner and received the news that the principal is making grade level changes out of spite. Boy! Am I glad I won't be there next year. The atmosphere will be tense to say the least, if not all out war. Not a good place to be for man or beast.

My list of things to do after I retire have changed drastically. I thought I'd be able to travel and have more freedom, but under the circumstances it seems to be the opposite. I'll have to put my energies into doing around the house. I'm planning on starting a raised bed vegetable garden, doing a lot of couponing, and working on my family tree. Of course, I can always paint the house inside and out, and a million other maintanance things at home. Also I'm looking into resprite care so occasionally I can get out to do something for me.

Never realized that having a handicap person to care for can completely drain the life out of a person. BUT, I'm a survivor! Now I have to completely rethink the rest of my life...mmm! Next post will include those thoughts.

Another Day

Today Sharon, Louie and I went to see the neurosurgeon. Basically he told Louie it was up to him if he was going to recover. In 6 weeks Louie is to have another MRI to see what the tumor is doing. If it's growing he may need chemo and radiation to stop it or he can choose not to do anything and die, but it will be a long time coming. Possibly he may end up in a nursing home not able to move or speak before finally dying. Prognoses doesn't sound good without serious interventions. This SUCKS!!! Big time. It's like living with a time bomb that slowly detonates and then slowly blows up in slow motion. I can't give advice on this.

Presently, Louie is in a wheelchair and very frustrated with the whole situation. Of course, he tries to vent on the closest person which happens to be me. My first thought is to escape, but I know I can't and won't. I've cried a river but that doesn't help, it only makes my nose run. Damn! Damn! Damn!

Another Setback

Recovery has been long and tedious. It's been five weeks on Monday and the road has been not only long, but also bumpy. Everytime I think we're past the speed bumps, another one develops. Again I thought Louie was off to rehab when he started to get chest pains and then was vomiting. Doctor thinks its just the pneumonia, but wants to observe him for 24 hours before sending him to rehab.

It's so hard to watch a loved one go through so many difficulties. I try to be encouraging, but I'm not sure I have it in me anymore. Louie wants to give up and I do understand it. The light at the end of the tunnel is weakly flickering.

My prayer: Please, dear God, be merciful.