Life Is Difficult...

The last few days have my emotions in turmoil.  Louie's health seems to be getting worse.  Friday night he went to bed and wouldn't get up until late Sunday morning.  Of course, I just had to get on the computer and seek answers.  It seems according to Hospice that in ill patients that are close to death that the body begins to shut down.  Some of the warning signs are lack of appetite, which Louie has been experiencing for at least a month or more.  Then another is excessive sleeping due to the organs shutting down. Also he has a decrease in urine output, but that could be because he's not awake to eat or drink.  All of these symptoms can be explained away, but I wonder.

Ever since his surgery, it feels like I've been grieving for him.  First it was his lack of being a whole person and the many set back and complications he's experience.  Then realizing he could possibly die at any moment.  After living with a person for 44 years, you just expect them to always be there.  Slowly Louie has been fading away both physically and mentally.  I live with a shell of a man.  He often tells me he doesn't want to live anymore and I truly understand why.  Yes, I will morn his passing...

Third year...

Today is the third anniversary of my daughter's death.  This day will always be a reminder of how an event can change a person's life forever and how precious life is.  I think I've finally have found my new normal.  when Sharon first died life was black and some of my emotions died that day.  Now 3 years later life has some dark clouds, but it also has happiness drifting into it.  There will always be the dark hours when sad memories seep into my consciousness.  But the flip side is there are so many good memories.

On the day of Sharon's death I received a phone call from Liz saying, "Sharon's dead!"  I responded, "What?" then Austin got on the phone and said, "Mom's gone."  I don't think I can ever forgive Sharon for making the kids go through this horror.  Later I learned that Elizabeth was first to find Sharon's body and the look on her face was so horrific that it still haunts Liz.

I am forever changed by this event.  I have more healing to do and I'm sure I'll never be the person I once was.

It's been awhile...

Life goes on.  Even though it's been almost 3 years I still have my moments of heart wrenching grief wash over me.  Yes, I can say these events are spaced further apart and I've learned to turn them around faster.  I'm beginning to think that there will always be a certain amount of grief just under the surface of my consciousness just waiting to rise to the top.  It much like have a broken part and you never know when it will affect your performance.  All it takes is a memory, a scent, or a sound to trigger it.

I've found my new normal for the most part, but expect even that will change in the coming years.  Life changes constantly and one never knows what is next...some good, some bad.

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time I had a fairly normal life.  I knew where I was going and how I would get there.  Life was fairly predictable and one day just flowed into another with minor differences.  In the last 3 or so years that has all changed.  I wonder if this is the new normal that SOSL talks about.  If it is I don't like the uncertainty it represents.  So many things in my life are completely out of my control and I feel like I did when I first came to California.  I don't want to be that person, but I don't know how to change my life back to being orderly.  I'm adrift in an ocean of turbulent waters.  I lack purpose and direction.  First I have to find myself.  I've lost me!  I've become a puppet with strings pulling in all directions and the strings need to be cut.  Time to work on me. 

Success

As I read Facebook I hear people talking about where they are going and listening to comments about confusion in regard to their direction in life.  Success isn't about how others perceive you, but by how happy you are and if you feel as if you're successful.

A person who is paralyzed, success could mean moving a finger just a fraction of an inch.  To others it could mean developing a multimillion dollar company.  Accomplishments can only be judged by an individual.  In the end, how is success measured?  Is it money or is it happiness?  Can a person have very little worldly things and still be happy?  Or in reverse, can a person have many things and money and not be happy?

Just Another Bump in the Road

A few days before the new year I suddenly felt as if the inside of my head was on fire, then my face and both my arms felt as if I had bugs running inside them.  After about 10 minutes all symptoms just left, never to return.  The incident was on Friday and all weekend I felt out of sorts.  On Monday I decided to check my blood sugar and it was 337.  Wow! I knew I was in trouble and emailed my doctor and he instructed me to immediately go to ER.  At ER I was poked with sharp objects and had numerous tests ran.  It seems I'm pre-diabetic, had low potassium levels, elevated blood pressure, etc, etc. After having potassium pumped into my veins I was sent home with pages of instructions.  Bottom line is I need to change my diet and take care of myself.

Today, I go to see my primary care doctor and probably get more instructions.  Good part of this is it's treatable with diet changes, so far.  I have all the knowledge I need to make these changes, now I have to implement that knowledge (the hard part).  Aging suck!